Why the Monday Morning Blues? Try the Monday Morning Happy.

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Get happy with your choice to be at your job.

I had a fantastic weekend. I did every absolutely everything I wanted to do.  I ate frozen cherries and berries, I watched movies, I read, I slept, I chatted with a few people. I connected with friends on Facebook added and found old friends.  I had a great weekend.

Did the thought of going to work on Monday make you wince? If so, I’m sorry to hear that.  Do you know more people have heart attacks on Mondays? Stress – this is a common experience for a lot of people. When you get on the subway this morning, did you notice the misery on people face in the subway car?  No one seems excited for the work day.  Most of the people riding to work are in a funk and are complain about how much they hate their jobs, bosses or what they do.  People are dissatisfied with the work life.  LET’S CREATE SOME SATISFACTION FOR A JOB WELL DONE TODAY. 

Most people hate their jobs, they hate their bosses and they are in some sort of upset with their co-workers.  Most workers had no idea who they were or what they wanted to do when they took on their jobs/career. The one desire was to make money.  Now that you have been on your job for a number of years, you feel stuck, locked in, and feel you have limited job options. Your money is good and you’re afraid to leave your job or switch career gears. You are afraid that you might be trapped in the same job doing the same thing for the rest of your life.  WHERE COULD YOU GENERATE A SOME COMPASSION FOR A CO-WORKER, COLLEAGUE OR BOSS YOU DISLIKE TODAY? GO ON, JUST TRY!

What Is Your Potential? Most workers do not know their potential. They have settled for whatever it is they have settled for.  Many people find out later that they have gone against their true nature for money and work and so they are not doing the thing they want to do.  I remember when I worked a job where l longed to make a difference and I did not know what I wanted to do. I just knew I wanted to be happy and make a difference.  WHERE COULD YOU USE YOUR POTENTIAL AT WORK TODAY DESPITE HATING YOUR BOSS AND YOUR JOB?

I changed my job because I was sick of pushing papers.  I didn’t love my job, but I liked and I loved the people I worked with and that’s what kept my energy going.  I liked talking to them. Work for me was like a social event, because I love people.  So no matter where I was if there were people present I could make myself happy. WHERE COULD YOU BE WILLING TO FIND SOME HAPPINESS AT WORK TODAY DESPITE THE FACT THE YOU HATE YOUR JOB?

How many times did you hit the snooze this morning? Now, I have life the way I want it. The truth is I always did and so do you.  You are on your job and you chose it.  You may not like you job or enjoy it as much as you did when you first started, but it is yours.  For those of you who are happy on your job, congratulations, and for those of you who are not, I am very sorry to hear that. So, what are you going to do?  If you answer is nothing, stay in your cubby and leave the happy people alone.

Do you feel obligated to go to work?  Do you hate your job? Please, I beg you stop hating it.  Hate is a robber of energy and it doesn’t provide you with anything positive, least of all it does not provide you with room to see your greatness and create newly.  Hating impacts everything in your life and keeps you stuck and keeps everything away that is important to you. No one is forcing you to go to work or to do a job that you do not want to do.  That is a choice you are making every day.The sad news here is that you don’t even know you’re the one making the choice.  You’re the one sucking the energy out of your life. 

Today is Monday and already some of you might be thinking of Friday.  Let go of that thought and come back to the now.  This week start doing One Thing.  One thing that you can be proud or.  Challenge yourself.  I will assure you if you do one thing today, tomorrow up until Friday you will have so much energy by the end of the week and you will be happy.  Stay in the now, be present, and Friday will come without you forcing it

Create a mindset that you will be happy at work and start going within and ask yourself, if you’re not happy in this moment, what can you create right now that will make you happy with your work and yourself?  Maybe you need to clean up something.  Maybe you could do that task you have been putting off.  That conversation you want to have but you’re afraid to have.  Take an action that you are afraid to take.  Or do that one thing that you have been avoiding.

You can spend the next 8 to 10 hours being or you can create it by being happy. The truth is you choose.  So choose, wisely and happily. 

Live Life Your Way,

Noreen Sumpter Life Coach

Stop Resisting Your Higher Self And Listen To Your Instincts

Photo Source: createandconnect.org
Photo Source: createandconnect.org

Do you ever get a feeling of heaviness when you are doing something that you don’t want to do? For instance, there are people who are working at jobs they don’t want or do not like; dating people or hanging out with people who leave you feeling as though you have just run a race with ten sacks of potatoes on your back.

You are not following your higher self, or your instincts. When higher self and instinct speak to you, you feel joyful and happy, giddy with laugher. If you are forcing yourself to do something that is in the realm of “should,” you’re not listening to your higher self or your instincts.

I had a friend who was always negative and you could never tell whether she would be in a happy or a foul mood. We would go out and men would speak to us and she would get into an argument. We would go to restaurants and she would get into a fight with the wait staff or treat them like poo. I hung out with her on and off for years because we were from England and we had a few things in common. It did not dawn on me that we were incompatible, until one night after going out with her I came home drained. I had to ask myself why I’m so drained – did I have a good time? My answer was no.

The universe is a wonderful friend because not long after that, she cursed me out the way she did the wait staff. I listened and when she was done I shared with her that I could no longer hang out with her any more and we ended our relationship. It was that simple.  Simple, yes, and a little difficult too because we do not make friends with people to end the friendship. However, more often than not, people are in our lives to teach us who we were or are. We might not like it and it is okay.  We learn the lesson and we move on.  My energy level went up and I started embracing people who were in alignment with my new energy.  People who love people, people who love sharing and enjoying life, giving and receiving compliments.

Do you find yourself resisting and sabotaging yourself?  Now to answer this question you have to be insightfully straight and honest with yourself. In order to tell on yourself, you have to be willing to feel uncomfortable for a moment, but it’s well worth it.

Live Life Your Way,

Noreen Sumpter

Who Really Says How Your Life Goes?

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What if you had only three months to live, and the only way you could extend your life was by doing the things that you always wanted to do but never did? Take a moment and think about it. The stipulations are as follows: it has to be do-able within three months, it has to be something that you daydreamed about constantly; it has to be something you never fulfilled or completed in the past.

Consider the following:

The first step would be to calm down, because you may be panicking about the impending end.

Think for a moment and pull yourself back together.

Express yourself and don’t censor or edit yourself in any way.

Be how you want to be and create what you want.

It is no one’s business what you choose to do.

It must be something fun that you would derive pleasure from.

It makes you happy and it is important to you and it could if you choose make others happy.

You have only yourself to please.

Ultimately it is nobody’s business but your own.

You do not have to focus on anything other than your daydream and your creations.

These are the rules

  • You must be completely honest with yourself and that may be something you have never done before in a truly conscious way.
  • Full self-expression, it is necessary to unleash your passions and everything that makes you, you.
  • Willingness to fall on your face and risk embarrassment (FYI embarrassment can be eliminated)
  • Speak to someone every week to keep you accountable
  • It must be something you have never done before
  • You have to be willing to fail and fail big.
  • You must be patient
  • You must trust yourself and you cannot ever make yourself wrong (FYI there are ways to resolve it if you do).

You must be willing to experience trusting yourself and creating your dreams so they will materialize. The other side of this experience is that negative thoughts materialize and unlike your daydreams and fantasies, negative thoughts take little or no energy to materialize.  So you must recognize your words have power to create thoughts, and thoughts create actions.

You must be willing to admit when you are afraid. When you do not, your fear becomes worse.  If however, you admit that you are afraid, the fear can disappear and you will discover you have power.  When you admit to your concerns, they too will disappear. When you do not, they stay in your head and they become even bigger.

You must be willing to distinguish each concern and barrier separately, rather than roll them all into one mass, which tends to show up as procrastination.

The Flipside

The flipside, if you really only had three months, you would start believing in yourself like never before. You would transform your mindset and start playing in the universe; then you would realize it is an abundant playground. You could start believing that you are the captain of your own life. You create and generate your life, job, relationships, finances and you can really have whatever you want. This is because you do it already.  (Don’t believe me, just look at yourself, your nice apartment, crappy apartment, money, no money – you created all of that!) You would either realize that you are amazing, you are beautiful and there is nothing ugly, bad, broke or fat about you.  You would become naturally generous with yourself which in turn would transfer to others who would want to be around you so much more.  Let’s imagine that you created a fabulous week for yourself. You had a wonderful experience this week because on Monday you said everything you needed to say, you were honest with yourself, you honored you word, you did all the things you said you would do. You generated courage to follow through and it’s now Friday and your week went the way you planned it and it all turned out really well.  What’s next?  You get to say.  You always get to say how it goes.

Do What You Want – But Take Care Of Yourself!

The truth is you will always have time for busy. Do whatever you want to take care of you.

There will always be times in life when you have a lot of things going on.  Especially if you are a woman that wants a huge life.  There will always be emergencies where things will and can always go wrong or don’t work out.  I can guarantee that. There will be deadlines at work, and you period has not come, and you have a medical emergency, you feel guilty about what you did last night, last week and last year. The world, hell the Universe will be screaming for your attention.  I am getting sick just writing this list. These are 13 ways to Live Life Your Way and live by your own design.

happylife No is what you say to anything that is not important to you.

Laundry is not important to me.  Clean clothes is what important you don’t have to do it, you can give it to someone else to do it.  People who do not stand for me and who want to make me feel bad about myself you know the people that want something and guilt you into it.  Your mother, boyfriend, friends even the mailman.  You know it’s bad if the mailman can guilt you into stuff.  Things that are not important to you and not necessary to you.  Say No, Good way to handle that is to say I prefer and to do that.

Asking for Help

Asking for help is really important.  A lot of people would rather sit in their misery than ask for help are you one of these people.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help and when you do ask for make sure that you use it.  Don’t waste people’s time talking about help and then not using it.  Most people want to help want to revel in seeing you successful and happy.  People when helping it makes them feel useful, important and important.  You can ask for anything you want anything.  Know when asking People they have to right to say yes or no.  People are grown and responsible for the choices they make it is not you position to choose for them.  Just don’t underestimate people and try to take negative advantage of them.

Stay on contact

It is important to stay in contact with your friends.  No matter the length of time that you have know the person.  People like to be acknowledged and to feel like they are friends.  There are 6+ billion people on the planet and if you do not feel like you have no friends, no one loves you then you know what you are not being a good friend.  You might be expressing love and sharing love.  Love is addictive.  Giving love and expressing love is a good feeling.  Try it.  Send a message, send a text letting people know that you are thinking of them makes a world of difference in another life.  It does not have to be a two lunch it could be a 5 min checking in just to see how they are doing.  Try this on for size,  send out I was thinking out you messages to your friends and people that you want to be friends with and see what comes back.  No it is not weird.  I am doing 5 right now.  Stop what you doing and just do it.  The 1st five people in your phone to start.  I’m back, just sent out 8 instead of five.  Got 3 responses already in 8 mins.  Generally if they are in your phone most are friends.   You don’t have to keep in contact with everyone, most will be okay about it.  However, keep in touch with people are best as YOU can it will keep you happy and keep you inspired around life, making friends and being inspired.

Surround yourself with things that you like.

Surround yourself with only the things that you enjoy or like.  Do not buy or bring into your emotional space things that you do not enjoy or like as they was pull emotional energy from you.  When you in a dumpy mood or low energy having things around you that you enjoy that you can focus on will and can cheer you up and bring up your energetic level.  Pinterest is an awesome app as you can put it on your computer your phone and you can get little boost of inspiration.

Gratitude List

I usually provide this as a tool to my clients, at first they find it difficult as in another thing in life to do then they do the gratitude list as chore then they.  When you are being grateful about what you have in your life.  You do not have time to whine about the things you don’t have.  Gratitude provides you with a tool to protect yourself against negative influences whether you are making, or the result of the activities of negative people around you.  Recognize that you have to power, and put it into constant use until you have created for yourself a wall of immunity against negative influences in your own mind. Our negative thoughts and influences usually work on you through you subconscious mind and are often difficult to detect.  So having a daily gratitude list, even creating one where you share back and forth with friends of like mind will empower you creating dialog instead of monolog where the negative thoughts do not have a chance to pollute you mind.  Gratitude has power to move you forward.  Keep a journal for your gratitudes where  you can go back whenever you need a little boost.

Keep a Planner for your life, and your fun times

Keeping a planner makes you life less crazy.  It is good practice to put all the things that are important to you also adding things that are fun.  Many people put in doctors appointment, work things, children but they don’t really schedule time for fun.  Get in the practice of adding into your planner time for fun.  It is a really exciting thing to look in your planner and see that you have schedule time for vacation, but it is also great to see inside of your day that you have scheduled time for fun things with friends or on your own.  When you keep a planner is it important to schedule everything so you don’t have any shocks surprises and missed meetings.  Once you have got that the difficult part will be to learn to use the planner in a way that is effective and does not make you regret the appointments that you have made.  Balance things, and give your self the right to say no thank you to an appointment.

Keep track of your wins

Write down you wins.  Weekly wins are important so that you can have a real record of your wins and your achievements.  I got a write up in an online magazine http://www.t2conline.com/a-call-for-coaching that’s  a big win if I don’t write that down.  I will never remember.  Make a habit of writing down your wins and achievement’s  write down you milestones they will help you when you feel that you have hit a wall in your personal achievements’ at the end of the day you can check in.

Your appearance: Make sure you like you

Also make sure that you like what you wearing and that you have your own personal style and that you look the way you want.  That your style is yours.  You don’t have to have the latest blah blah, but it is good to have your own look that unique to you.  With regard to your clothes take on your body, do you feel good about your body, are you a little overweight or a lot overweight, but you wear your body well.  Do you slouch to cover up certain flaws? Could your arms do with a little firming and you find yourself complaining about them.  Then work on them or shut up.  You style has a lot to do with how you carry yourself.  Be bold and move with boldness.  Mousiness will never look great in best of clothes.  Generate your energy.  You could be wearing sweat pants and give an air of confidence where you are wearing them they are not wearing you hiding something about yourself.  When you go out to shop make sure you shop for what you really like, bring a trusted friend who can share with you how the item looks.  However, truth is if you are confident in your image you will find clothes that will state that as a fact.

Create a go to Group

Have a go to group. A go to group is a group of friends that you respect and trust, that when you hit a wall or experience anything that derails you.  These woman are a bigger stand for your life than you are and they will support you to get back on the tracks of life.  They will remind you whether gently or they will shake up if you need a good shake up.  If you cannot afford a coach, a go to group is perfect.  These woman must not coach you or tell you what to do, what they will do is remind of who you are and the commitment and goal that you have or are creating for your life.  They will provide you with a pep talk or a reality check.  

Do something silly that makes you laugh until you tummy hurts

Go and see a really stupid move, there are a ton of them out there.  When you go to this movie, you should laugh naturally, when I mean naturally I mean at your own level and length of time.  Be you, do not go to the movie and do what everyone does, the movie laugh track, when everyone starts are the same time and finishes at the same time.  So unnatural.  That is censoring a natural emotion.  Laugh until you are completely done.  I went to the movies, with this guy once it was a date.  We went to see Fat Albert http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=fat+albert+movie&view=detail&mid=B326DD89B259A34501CFB326DD89B259A34501CF&first=0&FORM=NVPFVR&qpvt=fat+albert+movie  The movie was everything and corney. It made me laugh so much that even after people stopped laughing I was still laughing.  It was great to just laugh.  However, the guys said “Note to self never take you to see a movie again”  as me if I cared.  I think that laughing in a movie is a compliment to all the hard work it took to bring it to the movie, I had a great time and was completely expressed and free.  Laughing is good for you . Laugh often and laugh loud its contagious. Make jokes, engage your peeps, share jokes and laugh at lot.  It makes you feel better and is good for your health.  Every time you laugh a comedian get his chops. Lol.

Be emotionally okay

Be ok with your emotions, you have to emotions so that you can express them.  Unexpressed emotions can cause a lot of emotional pain. If you sad, express it.  However, express it a way that allows you to complete the cycle.  Do go digging for sadness, don’t go dregging up old relationships and add them to your new ones.  If you need a good cry, cry and complete it.  Do not blame other people for your sadness your need to cry or for your crying.  If you stressed out, look at what is causing the stress and create new actions to take to relieve the stress.  Stress in a big killer and I am sure you don’t want to die or suffer some stress induced illness.  Do not cover your emotions express them.  She them responsible.  Release all the emotions, frustrations, and the anger in a responsible way.  You will feel so much better with the release and so clear actions to take.  (Here’s an action step call me and ask me how to clean your stress and get your in action).

Write things down

Conversation and thoughts disappear, so write them down.  Get yourself a little book and save your brain cells, ever get those times when you get a great idea, or your hear something.  Or someone gives you the name of something and you think you can remember it.  Well you cannot.  If you have a full life, it is rare that you will remember the thing.  Also, when you can whip out your little book of remembering you actually are telling the other person that what they are saying is valuable enough to write it down.  Don’t waste time trying to remember stuff write it down.

Accept yourself as you are and as you’re not.

Make an agreement with yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and love yourself every moment of every moment.  Don’t think about things that you have not achieve yet.  Love yourself and accept yourself without reservation.  You are very different  and unique from every one else.  You are one of a kind and quite beautiful.  Accept your uniqueness your path is different from everyone eles.  Start loving yourself by stopping the comparisons of yourself to others.  Loving yourself means stepping outside of guilt.   Detach yourself from the reactions of others. Assert yourself with a some compassion.  Show people who you are.  When you show people who you are they get a chance to share themselves with you.  When you judge yourself you stand in the way of your self-love.  Every time you judge yourself you separate your-self from others.  Stop separating and accept yourself now.  You do not have to change anything about yourself.

Live Life Your Way,

Noreen Sumpter

What Women Said About Calling In The One Unapologetically Workshop

What can I say about this workshop? It was phenomenal! My experience of the workshop has transformed my communication and relationship to men.  If I can be candid with you, since my divorce some good many years ago, I believed that there was nothing a man could do for me that I could not do for myself. Truth be told, the only thing that a man could do for me was sex – a good roll in the hay and I knew what I liked and was not very open to anything else.  Sex was one of the few things that a man could provide for me, plus a few handyman things.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love men and there were other things that they could do for me, but sex was the prime ingredient.  I was not looking for a partner. Furthermore, from where I stood, there was not much I could see.  Yes, you might even say that I objectified men.

Some time ago, I had a relationship with a man and this time, I completely allowed myself to enjoy my interaction with him, spending times when we were just being together. During my interactions with him I felt loving, kind and generous. I discovered that the missing ingredient was me.  As it turned out, the relationship did not last, however the experience left me wondering and feeling wonderful. I had love for this man, which was great.  I had learned to express love.

After that relationship, it dawned on me that what I desire is a committed loving relationship with a man. However, as an adult woman, I had no idea what it would take or who I had to become to have one.  So I started to inquire about what having that kind of relationship would take.  That is when I found the book, Calling in the One.  I started reading it and saw all the exercises and realized that I had no interest in going through the book alone and invited some women into having me facilitate a group where we would go through it together.

Completion Party for the last Calling In The One workshop
Completion Party for the last Calling In The One workshop

It was a wild and woolly experience that ended a nine week experience with all I could say was WOW.  It was emotional, I cried buckets of tears, and I discovered things about myself that I did not know. During one of the exercises on releasing, I experienced what I can best describe as synchronistic: boyfriends, ex-husband, ex-lovers all turned up almost from out of the blue with apologies for things they had said or done in the relationship.  Memories came flooding back of the kind of relationship my mother and father had.  Long and difficult conversations with my former husband were had. I developed a new and profound respect for myself and men, the discovery of what love as an expression really is for me and for others.

Although I was the facilitator of the workshop, I was doing the work alongside the other women. The workshop had me go places that no ordinary woman would want to go.  The women who participated in this workshop were and are an extraordinary class of women who made it safe for everyone to go to those places.  This workshop is a microcosm of life on the court. The heavy lifting and removing obstacles and the resulting lightness of being afterwards has left me more accepting of men than ever before, which is resulting in the beginnings of new friendships. I could not have done this work without the other women in the group. What I saw was that thriving relationships are not for the weak at heart.  In relationships one is compelled to look at oneself in the face through the reflection of another. This workshop is for all women who love who they love, where women who are looking at themselves get to see themselves through the nonjudgmental listening of other women.

As previously mentioned, I based this workshop on the book, Calling In the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas, and what I provided was a support structure with respect and a safe space for women to express themselves.  I will be facilitating another workshop later this summer.

Come to our Introduction Party on June 15th, 2014 at 3:00 p.m. to learn more about this wonderful workshop!

cito2.jpg TESTIMONIALS

“I love this workshop! When I started this workshop I was single for three years, not really having any luck in the dating scene. As a lesbian in NYC, your outlets to meet new women are limited to a handful of bars and I wasn’t having any luck on online dating. I felt lost navigating through the urban jungle and through social life of the LGBTQ scene. I eventually threw in the towel and told myself I was never going to meet anyone, ever again. 

The moment I started this workshop things started moving for me! I was able to forgive my exes and let go of past wrongs and hurt from all relationships in my life. I started working on powerful affirmations for my life, on my self-confidence, and creating my dream woman. Two weeks into the course, I had the courage to ask out a woman that I really admire. Now, you must know I NEVER would have taken the chance! I had no idea how it would go and I was terrified – I didn’t even know if she was into women! I “made of move” and it’s been a blast ever since! Dating someone while taking this workshop has made the biggest difference. Weekly I come and share what I want to create and let go of insecurities so I can have a healthy relationship.  I’m committed to going from a “me” to a “we.” And, the woman I am dating is the woman of my dreams!” – Kat Pactong

“I am so simply amazed that Noreen just kind of fell into my life and presented me with the gift of being a part of a group that is so life changing and touching. Before CITO  I just didn’t know how to articulate my feelings or express them correctly or effectively , through each week I am now able to be authentic and open in a way that sharing is as natural to me as breathing. I feel a greater sense of well being & belonging. I learned so much from the women in the group. I have shared the most recent phases of my journey with them. What made me feel a greater sense of powerful vulnerability is when Noreen would share . I realized through her that wherever we are in life we are all human. CITO changed my life & I am so ecstatic to pass this message along! I BELIEVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART IT WILL CHANGE YOURS TOO!” – Aleisha D. Stewart

I would love to connect with you on social media. Please feel free to reach out to me on Twitter and Facebook

Removing Emotional Armor

I first noticed I was hiding behind emotional armor with a friend of mine that I loved very much. It was difficult and I choose to give up my emotional armor and become vulnerable.  We used to go skating in Central Park every Sunday, she, her husband and my husband (now ex) and I.  They were all good at skating. I was awful and gradually over time I became better. One Sunday we had a skating picnic for a friend’s birthday in the Central Park. My friend wanted me to skate with her like we always did and I said “in a minute.” However, that minute never happened she got angry because I didn’t skate with her that Sunday.

We lived in the same building; we were neighbors, so I couldn’t avoid my friend who got really angry at me and we started fussing, me standing my ground that I did not have to skate.  During those times I did not have the context of having it all, I lived in a one-or-the-other world. We both went home to our respective houses upset.  However, the fussing continued with our respective husbands until they became fed up.  My husband called friend’s husband and they both came down to our apartment and we all came together.  Our husbands knew that they would not be getting any peace while we were upset with each other.  They let us hash it out. I was by the bathroom with my arms crossed and my lower lip pushed out sulking, she was on the corner of our couch, arms crossed in a slouched position.

Keeping on your emotional armor creates a whirlwind of emotions.
Keeping on your emotional armor creates a whirlwind of emotions inside.

I loved my friend very much, and I felt the love and the upset I could feel both emotions were whirling around inside me. I did not want to acknowledge either of them.  It was in that moment that I accepted that I had armor. I wanted to be right, and upset, rather than ask her to forgive me and admit that she was disappointed. I knew that if I continued this way I would lose my friend, which would meant losing all the fun that we had together, the skating, parties, cocktail hours, conversations in the garden, shopping, everything and most of all the intimacy and trust we ever had.  This was the first time that I realized that this is the way I acted when I felt attacked or made wrong.  I would just cut off the relationship.  I saw that I was prone to suffering rather than cleaning up the messes.

I took a leap of faith and took responsibility for my armor. It was a protective shield that I had created years ago to avoid feeling vulnerable.  Being vulnerable for me was a weakness and I didn’t want to look or feel weak.  Accepting my fear of vulnerability opened me up to a sense of power. I became honest with myself and my friend. I’m human, at some point in my relationships and interactions I will experience or cause upsets, disappointments and communication breakdowns. Life is not black and white and my fears were valid, and my actions or inactions have consequences.

I’ve learned that anger is an important emotion and if not expressed it ends up becoming resentment.  Anger is here to help us deal with our perceived violations and perpetrations. I can choose to express it or repress it.  If repressed it becomes a vicious cycle and I will continue experience lack of control. I feared my anger because I felt that it was bigger than me. I repressed anger not knowing it was the same experience, Ieaving me with feelings of constant defensiveness.

Today, I feel that there really is nothing to be fearful of about my anger.  Owning anger and using it as an alarm system to realize when our boundaries have been breached. Note that when we are angry it looks like we are angry at the other person.  However, if we are honest with ourselves we see that we are angry at ourselves when we distinguish this, it become a form of sadness, and I have now learned to deal with it in a way that supports me.  I can be with my anger.  I listen to what aspect of my boundaries have been breached. Katherine Woodward Thomas so eloquently says:

“Listen to its power and its fury.  Underneath the resounding whirlwind of rage is a very important message that we obviously need to hear.  When anger consumes us, there is information present that is much like gold that must be searched for and minded.”

We can then restore our integrity and personal safety.  Anger becomes an opportunity to take positive action – where relationships thrive, friendships are maintained and love is present.  It is a powerful opportunity for balance in relationships.

We cannot have or keep love and friendship alive without experiencing our emotions and growing without doing the work we are resisting.

You do not have to answer the questions below – however, by doing so and taking action you might be able to put your boundaries back in place and restore your personal integrity.  You might see and opportunity for true forgiveness.

  • Who are you angry at?
  • What are you most afraid of?
  • What are the violations of your boundaries?
  • What is your responsibility?
  • What if any actions are you willing to take or not take?
  • What could happen if you take no action?
  • When will you take these actions or have the matter be complete?
  • Is there a place for forgiveness of yourself or the person involved?

NoreenSumpterCoach.com

I would love to connect with you on social media. Please feel free to reach out to me on Twitter and Facebook.

 

 

How to Repair a Broken Friendship

Photo by Arne Hendriks
Photo by Arne Hendriks

Last week I talked about friendships and what happens when they suddenly end. I have been pondering my friendships to understand what happens and what it will take for me to be a great friend as well as an incredible Life Coach in the area of Confidence and Self Esteem.

What I saw in myself and my friendships was shocking.  I’ve been being a bratty demanding friend and ending relationships with the Kiss of Death.  I want you to know, that I have been doing some powerful work in and around my friendships. I have taken  immediate action, cleaned up and have gotten rid of olds way of behaving that no longer work or serve me.

What I know is that I love my friends. My friends love me and love being with me.  However, what I saw about myself is that I do not have space for them to make mistakes in their friendship with me.  I want my friends to be perfect and not cause me any concerns or hurt me in any way that I deem unsuitable for a friendship. So the moment I experience an upset or cause for concern, real or imagined, I confront them. If they do not act the way I want them to, I end the relationship. I am gone.  They’re dead to me. This has cost me a lot of friends.

This is just a basic example of what I do:

I send them a text or email which is filled with love and the Kiss of Death.
I erase them from all my communications, Facebook, phone etc.,
When I see them around, I ignore them.
I don’t want to know anything about them ever because I’ll get upset.
Whenever I think about them and have unresolved emotions.

This is what I am left with:

Friends that I have ignored or mentally killed off.
Friends who even if they wanted to be in communication, cannot reach me they’re blocked or ignored.
I have am upset, angry and miss my friends.
I am left with longing with memories of great friends and times that are no long present in my life.
Continuous conversations and stories about what happened or did not happen.

What I’m already being is:

Stubborn – I’ll be dammed, l’ll no longer communicate with them.
Justified – They are wrong, I am right.
Angry and pissed off – To hell with them!
Sad and replaying memories– I’m stubborn and I will not surrender.  They have to say they are sorry first and confess the wrong they have done me.

In the end, what I discovered is that I need to accept my friends as humans. They are going to do and say things that I do not agree with.  Whatever happens in my friendships is not personal. I can accept them anyway they are and are not. I realize what was missing is: vulnerability, integrity, love, patience, kindness and graciousness.

I took on what was missing in my life and what I saw was the piles up upset feelings I created for myself and for my friends.  I realize that this way of being is not who I want to be in my life. I proceeded to call my friends and send email to them and one by one.  I put the integrity back in my life and my relationships by sharing my experiences and how I felt about our relationship.  I let them know I could be counted on going forward.

The response has been great. They got to share how it was for them being on the other end of my stuff (crap.) For those I spoke on the phone with, I have declared that I will clean up with them in person as well.  I shared with them what was there for me, what had me kill off the relationship and how the fear of being told what to do, of being wrong, judged and evaluated, actually impacted our friendship.  I had no compassion for my friends and was being a spoiled brat. The person who was being hard on me was me.

Going forward, my friends get to choose powerfully if they want to engage in a relationship with me from nothing.  I get to accept them as they are and as they are not. If I cannot accept them how they are, then I have no right calling myself a friend.  I don’t have to make them wrong and me right.  This approach does not work. I am a Life Coach and create transformation in other people’s lives.  It was a young conversation which caused me to get reactivated and where I did not have language.  Well, I have the language now and I will use it.

With all that said, I want my friends to know that I love them. I am transforming my old friendships into friendships where I have understanding and communication, where I will be being vulnerable, loving, gracious, and kind. They get to be however they are and choose powerfully if they wish to be friends with me. Together, we create relationships that work.  With that I no longer have to experience fear of loss, upset or some impending hurt.  Whatever way my friends choose to be is fine.

Where in your life are you willing to take action and reclaim your friendship with people you have killed off by giving them The Kiss of Death?

Love, Noreen Sumpter

What are you willing to do to put fun back in your life?

Last week I was exploring how the past impacts my life in areas that are so young that I did not know that I even had those barriers. I don’t realize these barriers exist until something triggers a response. I do not have the memory of what happened just the response I created to survive.  I also got to see that even though I am playing and having fun in my life,  I am not really playing in areas of my life that matter to me.  One area is a love relationship as I don’t have a man. I also saw that while I am very serious about my business, there is no play in that area at all.
I also got to see a big fat area of my life where there is no play.  I have no play in the area of money and that I do not relate to money as a fun tool.  My adult life has no real spontaneity of play.  So, knowing that I am taking a look from where I am now and creating where I would like to go. What will it take to upgrade my inner conversations t0 first class so I have a first class that is created with ease, grace and freedom.

 

There is an old adage that says whatever you want, give it away. So I am creating having a first class life in all areas of my life with a focus of love, and abundance and I plan on sharing this with you.

Photo by AForestFrolic
Photo by AForestFrolic

The questions below are something for you to ask yourself.

  • Where in your life is play missing and what would you be willing to do to put play back in?
  • Answer these questions honestly to yourself. You can even answer them with another person.
  • When you talk with others, are you in monologue or dialogue? Could you share more of yourself by being in a open and free dialogue?  Yes or No?  If yes, try it?

Play exists in conversations and is a back and forth experience.

  • What is your experience of play? Is it hard work, easy or do you just not play at all?
  • Are you having relationships and conversations that are back and forth – free of jumping to conclusions, experiences upsets, releasing anger and losing control?
  • Does playing make you feel uncomfortable?

Think back to when you were a child and were really good at playing:

 

  • What were your favorite games?
  • When you became an adult, did you notice that you stopped playing in your life? When and why did you stopped playing?
  • What are the nature of the kinds of conversations you are currently having in your life? Are they complaints? Are your conversations exciting and happy? Or are your conversations leaving you exhausted or afraid?

 

The Secret to Great Sex

Photo by Lies Thru a Lens 
Photo by Lies Thru a Lens 

Women with strong healthy sexual boundaries know their likes and dislikes so their communication is clear, attractive and sexy.   Sex is interplay between consenting individuals.  There are things that you’ll like and the other person might not, so it’s necessary to communicate with the person you intend on having sex with clearly.

A woman who is confident with her sexuality expresses it in and out of the bedroom, with clear verbal and non verbal communication.  She knows that her sexual needs, and pleasure are her responsibility 100% and that her partner is 100% responsible for their needs. As a result, if something shows up in the act of sex that does not appeal to her, she would not hesitate to speak her truth and voice her opinion in a manner that is respectful and non judgmental of herself and partner.

A sexually responsible woman is honest with herself about her needs and desires. She has given herself full permission to live truthfully in all areas of her life that are important.  She shares her boundaries clearly and concisely as she knows her pleasure depends upon it.

So like a sexually responsible woman, with anything in life you desire, it is important that your give yourself permission to have it in order to live your life confidently and freely.

What are your boundaries and have you shared them completely?

It’s ability to know what you desire.  Some people have little or no real boundaries, but they know what repulses them.
A boundary based on repulsions is very clear and focused on what you will not do.  It is important to be clear with your boundaries. They should be your own boundaries and not be boundaries where you are dragged along for a ride only your partner will enjoy.

If you follow or are dragged along by other people’s sexual boundaries you will never feel comfortable. You will always end up feeling resentful, and this kind of tension is never good for your well being.  So if you plan to expand or push your sexual boundaries make sure they are based on your own healthy choices.

Think for a moment, how would you share or express yourself for your pleasure with the following:
Touch:  how you’d like to be touched, when to be touched
Pressure: soft, hard
Pace: fast, slow
Lights: on or off
Rough or not
Sexually explicit language
Introduction of Sex Toys
Kissing and telling
Group sex
Pornography
Condoms
Sharing your sexual History

What would your life look like if you gave yourself permission to life with confidence and a strong self esteem in all areas of your life?

What would your life look like if you were living your life with a strong self esteem and without second guessing yourself?

vermox

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Do You Know How To Protect Your Heart?

Photo by Katerha
Photo by Katerha

As a Confidence Coach, I believe setting personal boundaries is a way of protecting and taking care of yourself, your heart and not allowing this get twisted by people comments, thoughts or feelings about you. It is important to be able to tell people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to you and to be able to know that you have the right and duty to protect and defend yourself. It is your responsibility to be clear on how you want others to treat you.
I coach my clients to you learn how to state your feelings verbally and let people know how they feel in a way that communicates clearly. By stating your feelings verbally you affirm your right to your feelings and you know that you are not your feelings you have feelings and they can change from situation to situation, moment to moment. By affirming your feelings it allows you to  take responsibility for yourself and your life. Owning yourself, your reality and your voice is empowering. The result of self-ownership, allows other people to hear and understand you clearly.
Some people might say that setting and having boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. So they are set boundaries when in fact they are attempting to manipulate people and situations. The difference between setting boundaries and manipulation is that boundaries are healthy,give people choices and allows you the freedom to let go of the outcome. Whereby, manipulation is not a clear form of communication and it exploits people into doing what you want them to do, by using methods that cause confusion. This confusion has you

create outcomes that only the manipulator is clear about.It is unhealthy to have relationships with people who have no boundaries, who cannot communicate directly, honestly and freely. Learning how to set boundaries is important and necessary for you to be a friend to yourself and others. It is your responsibility to take care and to protect yourself. It is important to love, honor and respect yourself. You cannot truly love yourself if you do not take responsibility. Loving yourself allows you the opportunity and freedom to be a creator in your life. How well do you set boundaries?  

What Women Want From a Partner

Though some of these following requests might appear to be self-centered and over indulged, they are what many women would like from a partner. However, if you look at the request for what they are really saying, you can hear that they want love and attention. These women like all women want to be loved and adored. They require what sounds like simple things. They want to be appreciated for the woman and feminine beings that that they are. Here are some of the requests I have heard form women over the years:

  • Spend time with me
  • Allow me to share my feelings
  • Share your pleasure with me
  • Be open with your feelings
  • Feel good about us or leave
  • Knows where to stand as a man
  • Have confidence
  • Be romantic
  • Offer me protection
  • Takes pride in our relationship
  • Respect me
  • Be thoughtful
  • Give me the gift of time…
  • Listen
  • Tell me I am beautiful and appreciated
  • Asking my opinion regarding a life decision that you are thinking about making…
  • Kiss me on my forehead after serving him dinner
  • Kiss me on my forehead, nose, cheeks, chin, left boobie and right boobie 5:30 in the morning when he leaves for work
  • Text me he made it to work and that he can’t wait to get back home.
  • Give me reasons to giggle
  • Compliment me in detail
  • Randomly express how he appreciates me in his life
  • Kiss tears away when they fall
  • Put a warm rag on my tummy during that time, hand me 2 Aleve, and some water, make me some tea, and hold me to distract from the pain and discomfort until I fall asleep
  • Give me words of encouragement
  • Be loyal
  • Acknowledgment my accomplishments
  • Give me emotional support coupled with physical touch (such as a hug, human touch doesn’t mean sexual)
  • Hold me tighter when the alarm goes off
  • Speak about our future together in detail
  • Motivate me, it shows your belief in who I am and what I do

Simple things mean a lot to every girl. Small talks, weird topics, smiles, a thank you, and a lot more. But nothing beats the respect, thoughtfulness, time and sincerity of what a man can give to his woman. 🙂 It’s the simple things, not so much the grandeur gestures.