Downward Dating Part Two

Last week we discussed what downward dating was. This week we will discuss its effects on both parties.

It is unfortunate but most of the recipients of downward dating love the idea of dating you. They love what you do, what you have but they subconsciously are frightened that you may not be interested in them. They are subconsciously don’t like what you are, as you represent all that they are not and this dredge’s up their insecurity. Downward dating people derive pleasure from you because it gives them an opportunity to inflate their already timorous ego.

They love what you represent, that you have an education and the social accoutrements or any other accolades whether earned, learned or born with. They love that you have your own money which is oftentimes, more than theirs. On the other hand, with downward dating there is no dedication. It’s just bragging which could later be at your mental expense and discredit.

Some downward dating partners are only capable of trying to break you down. The relationship is lop-sided. Your partner can become spiteful, downright nasty and mean spirited. Downward daters are for the most part only really interested in themselves and making you wrong. Their level of insecurity is very high. The experience of downward dating is one of insecurity and belief that internally that they don’t deserve something.

Downward daters will continual ask questions that you can’t answer in the way they want. “Why are you really interested in me” Duh, you’re interested in them because you like them. They cannot believe that and are extremely adamant that you’re not being truthful. They make statements like that you’re trying to use them They do not hear or listen to what is being said in a conversation. They only hear their internal conversation and make up things that were not being said or experienced. Downward dater is not based in reality. Downward dates and daters come in all shapes and sizes color and crude. This incessant dialogue is very dysfunctional. This is when you leave the interaction (Run now!)

Many people have downward dated at some point in their life. Even if you can fake amnesia and plead the 5th you’ve done it.
Here is my experience in downward dating:

I dated a man with less money then me. I knew upfront that he could not afford to attend a lot of the things that I invited him to, so I would foot the bill if I really wanted to go. I didn’t have a problem with sharing, but when my sharing became a problem, the relationship become uncomfortable. His ego, was getting a little roughed up about not having extra play money. I did not do it deliberately. If I was digging down into my savings or spending above my means, I would say something. Unfortunately, my guy had not mastered this concept, he had difficulty expressing his feelings about my money. Our relationship became increasingly difficult and it became progressively more difficult having certain conversations. So he proceeded to make me wrong. Eventually we broke up.

Today my opinion is if your venturing into a situation like this,you’re probably setting yourself up for failure. Work with me here, you have spent a number of years building up your education and that education has increased your socio economic standing only to find that you are not dating on an level playing field. You have little in common with them and furthermore they resent you for it. It is important to date with clarity. It takes time to get to know the people. It is also important that you give yourself time to get to know the people you’re interacting with and that you do not compromise your spirit.

I know many men and woman complain that they are sad and that they feel alone. Theoretically, we are all. Even in a relationship, amongst family, friends or in a group, we can feel alone. Alone, is a feeling, not our truth. The key is to accepting being alone is checking whether this is true for you. Then choosing what you want to do with what you know. Rejecting your findings that you are alone will not only make you feel better about being alone, it will prevent you from jumping into relationships that do not support your energy and what you are up to in your life. It is healthy to look at yourself with a critical yet compassionate eye so that you can make the decisions that only you can and will say are right for you. If you let lonely choose for you, you’ll be in a relationship that will have you whirling and not in a good way.

I hope you will join me next week for some dating tips.

Who do you think you are?

Last week we were talking about defining your own sexuality. I asked you ” who do you think you are?”. It wasn’t meant to be asked in a tone with attitude. It is more of a definition of your sexuality. Its the kind of who do you think you are that rocks your boat.  This question has you get up in the morning and look forward to your day.   It’s the kind of question that when you think about it your mouth salivates, your fingers itch and you cannot wait to get share how you feel. That is the kind of who do you think you are that is interesting. 

The sad thing is that many of you have had the “who do you think you are” beaten out of you. When the question gets asked of you, you find yourself shrinking, experiencing confusion and feeling put out. Very few of you can answer this question and get excited about sharing.  Most of you were taught not to brag about yourselves or your interests. It is as though you never got emotionally feed. You had to find ways feed yourselves which kept many of your interests squashed.

So what happens when you feel squashed? Many of my clients experience a hard time going after what they desire.  They are good at their jobs. They have successful businesses and make money, but when it comes to their personal needs, they gets put on the back burner of their life.  They have a hard time going for what they want for fear of not getting it right.  Adults need to get things right which in turn gives them no freedom.    

Their dreams can get so clouded over they don’t know what they want for themselves and their lives. They have a hard time asking for help and support and don’t believe that they can get it.  They feel that something is wrong with them if they seek support. Many don’t believe they deserve help and will sabotage their successes by not doing the work.  However, when this becomes clear, they are able to flourish. They sabotage themselves because they are always the person doing the helping and are confused and frustrated when they need the help.  All this confusion and fear kick in. 

Most of all you are afraid to go after what you want. You are so afraid that you will be less attractive, seen as aggressive, and in some cases odd, if you go after what you want with fervor. You fear you might will be all alone Andes a result, you worry so much that you can’t have a life of fun, happiness or a find a life partner. 

It is important to really think about who you think you are.  What is important to you?  It is important to gain clarity and live in a world that you create for yourself with your rules.  When you know what is important to you and take the steps to develop the confidence to go after it, you will be confident in the world of who do you think you are.   Also, when you know who you are, you will learn that you are an evolving individual who can recreate yourself as often as you like.  If you feel that you’re sexy, hot, and the cat’s meow, you will be a bag of chips and all that.  Furthermore, your way of being will echo into the world.   Who do you think you are?  Think about it and be it.  
 

Are you sexy, hot, the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips?

Are you sexy, the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips? If you cannot answer this question openly, you might have an issue.  If you think the statement is presumptuous, then you might have an issue. If you agree with this statement, you might have an issue with others.  But do you care?   I think I am all that and a bag of chips.  I went out with a male friend of mine the other night. When I walked in the door, he said to me “ You look sexy tonight.”  I replied with “I am sexy all the time.” He asked me who said that.  I replied I did.  He then said, “You’re not sexy until I tell you are.”  I laughed.  I also told him that “I am like a self-cleaning oven and I self-validate.”   We laughed. I’m sure for different reasons.  I, for my ability to self-valid, and he for God only knows what.  What I do know is you can be as sexy as you choose. 

Are you sexy, hot, the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips? Take a minute to think about that question and let it infuse on your mind. Then answer this. Who do you think you are?  This question is not meant to be taken in a negative way with judgement and a lot of tone. What I mean is who am I speaking to? Who are you intuitively? Do you have the confidence to say it proudly?  Is who you are so clear you don’t even have to say anything? It is clear to everyone and gets reverberated back at you in life. 

Did you ever experience a day when you’re being so sexy that you hear it whispered in the wind? It’s just who you are in that moment.  You are the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips. You know who you are. 

So who do you think you are can be translated as  I am a woman, I am black, I am tall, I am English, I am a Confidence and self-esteem coach, daughter of Mr. and Ms. Johnson,  5’8.   Who do you think you are has nothing to do with any of those statistics.  That is not the kind of who do you think you are that I am even remotely interested in. However, that is not to say that those descriptions are not interesting.  They are the kinds of facts that you share with people when you first meet them.  Somewhat boring and mundane, not the meat and potatoes of whom you are. 

The kind of who do you think you are that I am interested in an inside job. 

What do you love about your life?

What are you passionate about?

What are you interested in?

What do you want to be remembered for?

What are you proud of?

What do people say they love about you?

What contribution have you made and to whom?

What’s one thing that no one knows about you that you wish they did?

What are you willing to share about yourself?

What are you afraid of?

What’s the most courageous thing that you have ever done for another?

Next week we will talk about what these answers mean to you and how you can answer them everyday in all of your actions.

Relationships Take Work

Thank God I can read. I am reading a wonderful little book called A Fine Romance, The passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage.  This book was written in the 80s, but it’s quite motivating. It describes how we experience life and relationships. 

Everything that is important takes work.  Your career, growing your money, your health, getting in shape, it all takes work. The book explains that you are conscious of all the work life takes, but are not aware of how much work it takes to be in a successful relationship. 

The writer is bloody right. When it comes to matters of the heart, I personally want my relationships to be thunder bolts and lightening.  I want it to be like a fantasy that happens in a Lifetime movie. My lover plants a gentle kiss on my mouth and my eyes shut and next minute, life cuts to me being married, living in the perfect house with the perfect life. The end.  Yeah!  Wake up.  Duh!  None of this is going to happen unless I work at it. 

Relationships takes work because the dating process takes effort. It is not just one step. You have to go through many steps: the dating process, the courting process, getting to know each other, being present with your feelings, thoughts and everything else in between.  Being confident enough go through the process of creating of partnership without getting aggravated requires you to discover what you really want in a relationship. In order to do that, you need to monitor your own behaviors.

What I discovered is there is a challenging universal structure to courtship.  In a nutshell, there are many experiences that can occur. You may one day feel ambivalent or you may have deaf stops where you only hear your own thoughts and ignore anything anyone else has to say. You also have the challenge of dealing with your own personal theories, worries, limiting beliefs and triggers, as well as a list of what your partner should and should not do. There are dramas within ourselves which relate to a complicated array of drives, feelings, expectations and assumptions. Each one determining our individual responses to love and relationships. All along the way, your self-esteem gets battered and bruised. Your confidence gets shattered and you wind up swimming in a world of unhappiness. Your feel like you are glowing one moment while in the next, you feel like an abandoned baby on the steps of a local church, not knowing what the hell happened.   

At times you feel ambivalent. One minute you dig the person and the next minute you wonder what you ever saw in them. Then back again.  Either you’re dumped or you’re dumping them out of exasperation and frustration.  One of the things to be excited about and to know is this is all a part of the relationship experience. It is normal. The important thing to remember is to build a solid foundation within yourself that is separate from the relationship. This will allow you to be like a rock that won’t be swayed by every step of the courting process. If not,  the fears of your past relationships will leach into your new relationships, whether your aware of it or not.

I had the liberty of dating a man I thought was wonderful. In the end, we did not work out. The main reason is because his old relationship filtered into my relationship with him. He may have left his last relationship but it did not leave him. How do I know that he did not truly get rid of his last relationship? He said he had the utmost disdain for his ex-live-in-girlfriend. As time went on, the same concerns and worries from his old relationship filtered into the relationship I was having with him. He had a fear of entrapment. His language was about me trapping him in a cage. He did not want to be in that same type of situation again so all relationships were scary to him. There was no opportunity for me in our relationship as his unconscious behavior made him behave as though all relationships were going to end in the same way. 

The book describes this as the fear of entrapment.  I made his anxiety worse. He feared being locked in an emotional cage. He thought when he was with a woman, he’d lose his freedom.  No matter what I said, it made no real difference.  It was over before it was even allowed to begin.

I could have felt bad about it. I could have blamed myself. But because of a healthy amount of confidence and self-esteem, I know that the end of our relationship does not mark me as a failure or a bad person. I know I can give and receive love. The end of a relationship is not a rejection of me and my worth as a person. It is not personal. It is a personal relationship but the behavior is not personal. The thing that is personal is the love I share in any relationship which I will continue to give freely.

The Truth Will Set You Free

The truth they say will set you free. How often have you avoided saying what is true for you because you’re afraid of the consequences because they looked and felt uncomfortable? You don’t want to be uncomfortable so you refuse to tell your truth or the truth. When you deny yourself the truth, you lose the ability to keep it real. Keeping it real gives you the opportunity to accept things the way they really are. Keeping it real, frees up your energy mentally, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to go around feeling like Atlas (the primordial Titan who supported the heavens) with the world on your back. You’re free. The adage is “it’s like a world lifted off my back.” When you don’t tell the truth, you have the world on your back you feel stuck, unhappy, and angry and weighted down.

It is vital to tell your truths. Secrets kept over a period of time rob you of your power, freedom, full self-expression which in turn steals your peace of mind. Lying can cause all kinds of physical, emotional ailments, internal conflicts and depression? When you release yourself from the warren of lies you get to experience freedom in area of life that is important to you.

What untruths are you hiding? What resentments have you built up because of your deceit? What do you need for yourself or from another person? Would you be willing to make a commitment now to that when you have resentment and untruths brewing, instead of letting it brew you would you be willing take on the task of asking for what you want? What is the worst that could happen? Think about it. You could actually get a (yes) what you want or you could get a (No) refused. However, you will see that you did not die, and no one you cared about got hurt.

Sometimes the truth is not as clear to see as the behavior is. The behavior might be one that is carried out for a number of years. Resentments.

I had a resentment toward men. The resentment was so old it did not have a voice, it was all reaction based. It was created 3 decades earlier but lived out its practice in every relationship with everyman I experienced. The resentment I had been brewing toward my father. Please note that my father has been dead for over 2 decades. However, because I had never allowed myself to express the feeling at the time it happened, I carried it around with me unbeknownst to in the form of an action which limited my beliefs and impacted my life. The resentment lived as my truth. I had been destroying many relationships that were important to me. This behavior kept me wondering if I’d ever have a meaningful relationship with a man that would come into my life. Up to now, it had not been impossible. This left me being irritated, confused, inauthentic, angry, frustrated, shut down, lacked trust and unhappy in my relationships. I had a loss of power freedom and full self-expression that left me with no peace of mind.

I had a conversation with my sister about the love that I had for her and what she considered her dysfunctional family. There was a rift and I became committed to bridging the divide that had grown in my family. With the help of my sibling, I was going to transform the family. As I cried and shared with my sister, I started to remember lots of things. Some of which did not have language, just emotions. I started to remember some things that I had forgotten when I was sixteen living in Great Britain I has saved 350 pounds to start traveling. My parents where always people that complained and worried about money. The worry about money was constant, how they were going to pay the mortgage etc., the gas, electric etc., The truth of the matter was my parents always paid the bills because they worked and were pretty responsible. We never went without the lights or heat and we always had food. I always did my dancing classes etc., it was just a habit that they had for so long that that they did not know it was a habit. Anyway, I took my 350 pounds and give it to my father. Thinking that my father would appreciate my contribution, and think that I was amazing daughter who cared and was not selfish which is all I ever really wanted. I gave the money to my father in the green hallway of my house with its green carpet, and complimentary green wallpaper in front of our Victorian stained glass window and wood door.

Her father took the money. However, the story is I don’t remember my father ever saying thank you or even giving me a hug or saying anything. My father was old school. He did not hug children or play with them. I released the money with a deep sadness that I never expressed or voiced every again. I just swallowed my emotions around it. I was upset. My father did not even say thank you.

In that moment, I made up the story that I never really uttered aloud, that story became “all men do is take, take, take.” I had proof. This is what my father had done to me. This is what other men will always do. I knew in that moment that I could never depend on a man like I could never depend on my father. I would never find a man that just wanted to be with me. I would find me who would invalid me, take from and never contribute to me. I have lived my life believing this story that I had made up, attracting men to keep my story alive. Trying to date men who were opposite from her father. Not realizing that I could and never did ask the men I dated or even married for what I liked because I truly believed that they did not have and all they would do anyway was take take take. That became my reality, my truth.

After much work and development, I was able start dismantling this story I had been telling me self. It was not the truth. It was not the way it was. I gave my father the money, he did say thanks, but it was not in a way that I really wanted. I realized that I had created this story about myself and I had lived my life like a victim trapped inside a tinder box of my own making.

Not knowing and allowing myself to see my truth, I allowed my stories to sabotage my relationships.
On discovering this truth, I went to work on getting the relationship that I desired, I allowed myself to dream. I learned that I had to put the past in the past and create a new way of being that was going to propel me forward in my life. I created a trusting, open and vulnerable space to live from being free from control. Understanding and experiencing that vulnerability was not a curse, and that I did not have to eat glass in order to avoid vulnerability. Vulnerability was a part of living and living honestly called for one that experienced fear, which has one make changes in one life.

My client transformed her life and her relationships with men. She saw that she was surrounded with men, she loved men and what men brought to her life. She was unable to experience this feeling before because she was living her life through a filter that said that all men did was take take take. This was no longer true. She started dating one of the men that were already in her life who was right under her nose figuratively speaking. Being open, trusting and vulnerable, she became able to be the woman who she intuitively knew herself to be.

The relationship is open, honest and truthful. She is happy. She is happy in a way that she has never experienced before. The hardest lesson for most of people is telling themselves their personal truth. Being open about what is true for them. The truth will set you free and you can have whatever you want for your life when you accept it.

Man Energy and It’s Variations in Jamaica

Man energy and its variations in Jamaica, I received a tremendous amount of man energy.  Ladies, do you know that Man energy is everywhere?  Oh my word.  I discovered that man energy as I already know is something that comes in all shapes, sizes and textures. There are men that can give you more energy than you can ever dream about. 
 
There are men that can make you feel like the most amazing woman just by virtue of the way they are, what they say and how they are. They will pamper and cater to you every wish, dream or desire. They will make you feel warm, invited and give you a strong sense of belonging. There are men that have the most amount of patience. They can provide for you without you uttering a thought. However, don’t get it twisted. They love it when you think for yourself.  
 I uncovered some amazing things about myself on this trip.  Things that I never allowed myself to face, things that I could not know until I knew them. Thoughts and feelings that completely robbed me of my ability to be a confident vulnerable woman, I am so honored to uncover these things, I am a personal Life Coach and my niche is Confidence and Self Esteem. How can I serve if my confidence and self-esteem is hindered in anyway? I am very excited to uncover them because uncovering adds value to my life and service.

What I discovered about myself is that I am very impatient when it comes to men. I have limiting beliefs of how I believe men are supposed to communicate with me, with the last and biggest one is that I do not trust men so no man has a real chance with me. That was a horrible uncovering.

Now I want to look at the last one because that is the one that I had the biggest breakthrough with. It was the uncovering of the last one that had me wailing and crying through my sunglasses making it hard for me to see. Messy stuff that was the one that I had the most shame, and regret about.

Now, if you know me, I do not believe in regret. Because I believe regret just interferes with going forward in my life. What I uncovered was I am an inner control freak. My, (ICF) inner control freak has me date men that want to do for me but their circumstances cannot. My inner control freak says that the only thing that a man can do for me is F@#$ me. My inner control freak believes that a man will never ever be able to take care of me and most of all they cannot be trusted.

Imagine my upset when I uncovered this. Imagine, I am a woman that loves men. I love everything about men. I honor them in amazing ways, I allow them to serve me, but I just don’t trust me. When it comes to me being with men. I don’t trust that I can give up the control and allow a man in. That is so incongruent for me. Why?. Well it is incongruent because I say that I want a man that can be a man, a man that can take care of me and love me hard. One that honors me and allows me the same freedoms he gives himself. One that will do for me, be there for me, take care of me and keep me safe, all that I would do for him and more. What made me sad is that I have had men with all of these character traits this in the past, but what I have done is rob them of their ability to be a man for me. By overriding and being incongruent. Asking on one hand and not being able to receive it in on the other. (What a messy business)

Why did this make me sad? Well it made me sad because for the first time, I saw that, what I was asking for and what I was doing was so out of context. My discovery was uncovered on the ride to Montego Bay we were riding on one of the most beautiful strips in Jamaica along the beach and the sun smiling down on us with me drinking water from a coconut. What a way to have a breakthrough. (Perfectly yummy) I am riding with Andy my driver I used him all weekend when I was not with my Male host. Andy is a Rastafarian For those of you who do not know. A Rastafarian and Rastafari is a practice. The men and women are extremely spiritual and believe in natural living, no meat, nothing dead, vegetarian and or fish life style with herbs. Anyway, Andy allowed me the space to express myself, he allowed me to have my tears and share what I had uncovered. Andy also gave me the privilege of what he had heard from my friends’ phone conversation with me before meeting me at the airport. Andy said he figured out that that I was a pretty amazing woman. Thanks Andy. He told me that just because I can take care of myself don’t mean that I do not deserve to have a man take care of me. He said that any person that can make people laugh as much as I can has a tremendous amount of love; it was my responsibility to be happy and that I should allow a man the right to be happy taking care of me.

The conversation with Andy was very simple very plain. Sometimes, words get in the way, but with Andy they was so clear and so precise that I just started wailing because what he had just said to me resonated. I realized how difficult it must be for my ex-boyfriends and ex-husband to be with me. I realized that who I have been being in my relationships as controlling, fearful insecure and not trusting – for no apparent reason. So after Andy’s reasoning, I immediately chose to shift my mindset, believing that a man can and will choose to love, support and look after me. That I am deserving of all the love I desire. After, I finished wailing, Andy made me promise that I will allow love, true love into my life and that I will be the Empress that I will allow a man his rightful place to serve me. That is what he saw for me. So on that note, I solemnly promise to allow the love I truly desire into my life. So on going to Jamaica, I received man energy in the most abundant way “My truth.”

 Noreen Sumpter, Personal Life Coach: works with High Achievers who feel trapped in their private life and helps them build up their personal confidence and self-esteem. By helping you clear mental clutter and dissolve limiting beliefs, you can take deliberate steps, own your voice, speak your truth and have the freedom to Live Life Your Way.

   “Live Life Your Way”    www.NoreenSumpterCoach.com  www.BeYourselfAlready.com
Call 718-834-9450 or e-mail Noreen@NoreenSumpterCoach.com
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Make time for happiness

A good portion of women are too busy making themselves busy so they don’t have a minute to look at the true picture of their life.  They are too busy to call a friend or too busy to return a call.  They are too busy to be the yes that they said they’d be.  What is all this busy-ness?  We have a ton of technology available to us at the drop of a dime.  Literally a drop of a dime and yet we are way too busy.  Now the with cellphones less than half a yard away from your elbow inside your bag or pocket it remains impossible to return a simple call, to a client, a potential suitor, a doctor anybody.

Two happy girls

Well, you don’t understand, I am really busy.  How busy can you be?  Are you running a small country?  What is it that you are doing in your life that has you so busy that nothing has changed in the last 3 years? I have a running conversation with clients that say to me that they are too busy to do something that they say is important to them.  Important things like their friends, their health and wellbeing.  They want to date, fix their finances or change something in their life.  Well, what I say is you are not running a city or a small country.  For instance look at Rudy Guilliani, the mayor of New York City 1994-2001. Here was a man that was busy, running NYC, visiting other states and countries and still he still found time to have a wife and then cheat on her.  Now that’s busy.  If you not running a small city, visiting other countries having a marriage and an extra marital affair, you’re not that busy. Come on!

What’s really going on is that you do not have a system to manage yourself, and you do not have a relationship with your word.  How do I know this?  Well, I know this because when the conversation comes up about you being unavailable, not following up on your promises, and not being your word, then you get triggered.  You shut down become resigned.  Some of you might even become angry.  This is not a judgment; it is something that I have experienced.

If all the things that you say you would love to have or experience are really that important to you, then it is important that you carve out time for yourself.  There is more than enough time in the day to handle what it is that you say that you desire.  The first question to ask yourself is: Am I happy?  What’s happiness got to do with time? What has happiness go to do with anything?  Well, I have come to understand that people that are happy with themselves desire to remain happy.  They share.  They are often times enjoying the work that they have chosen for themselves.  They are busy, but they are organized.  It is this kind of happiness that is important to them.  They do not want anything to interfere with their happiness.  So they make the time to do the things that is important to them and schedule time to handle all the other things.  They are happy and they want to share it with friends so they create time to talk with friends.  They are not interested in getting sick so they will create time to go to the doctor and keep a handle on their wellbeing.  They have created structure to keep on doing the thing that they enjoy doing.

 

 

 

Happiness is something that one can do for oneself. However, it is something that is better shared with another.  When you are happy in your life you become aware of whom you are.  So if you desire a deep relationship with another person, it’s important that you become aware of yourself.

The comments above are not here to make you feel wrong or written as a judgment.  I have written them as a way to have you look inside and understand that sometimes you are not aware of what you’re doing or how it impacts your life and the lives of the people you say are important to you.  It is important to see them so that you can realize how important it is to learn to concentrate and focus your mind where you choose.  You can elevate your thinking and your choices to a higher ideal rather than just merely having a view or no view at all and remain stuck thinking that your business is real and you have no time.   Then when people say that you are not managing your time or you wasted their time being busy, you don’t find yourself feeling attacked or defending yourself.

It is as though you are too afraid to take a minute to just sit down and smell the roses.  Many  women have discovered the age old art of making themselves wrong so they have something to distract them from just taking a minute to sit down and reflect.  Happiness appears as this elusive thing they are searching for.  Some are looking for it in the arms of the next lover before completing with the last one.  Some are looking for it at the end of the credit card in the next pair of designer shoes.  This is not a judgment.

What I do know is that a lot of woman are really craving, desiring and would like to have the kind of happiness that just makes you heart sing.  The kind of happiness that you feel when you are taking time out to do something that you really enjoy doing, that ignites your passion and get your juices flowing.  No ladies, not that kind.  At least not at this moment;  I mean the kind of passion that I experience when I am riding my bike and the wind is whipping around my helmet and I see life’s pleasures like a flower that had just broken through the earth.

 

 

Case Study – Lori K.

Lori is in my Live Life Your Way (LLYW) maintenance program.  I have worked with her for over five (5) years.  She has completed the Honorable program and continues with coaching because she derives a tremendous amount of value from the process.  She has gone from weakness to strength in her life and relationships, with me as her Personal Life Coach. Lori has expanded her life in general, is in a better place financially, is in a healthy committed relationship, has better relationships with her family and friends, and she travels extensively for work and pleasure (more for pleasure).  But most of all, she is confident in and with her life, recognizes the universe will provide when she is clear as to what she wants, feels deserving of good things, and feels powerful.

 

When I first met Lori, her personal confidence and self esteem had taken a big severe hammering. She was an unhappy professional woman who was stuck in her life. She had a job that didn’t suit her, her home and work environments were dismal, the relationship with her then boss was very depressing and difficult, her office had no windows and she was underpaid.  This made her very unhappy which in turn had her stuck.

 

Lori spent most of her nights and all of her weekends doing what she knew to do, sending out resumes and looking for a new job. She had no personal life, 5 cats, ten year old furniture that was left over from her college years, and her apartment would fill up with the marijuana smell from the neighbor below. To add insult to injury, one of her cats was sick, which had Lori spending $500+ per month on medication and vet bills.  She had no boyfriend and had not been on vacation in years; her social life was, in a word, unfulfilling.  She was also suffering from weekly migraines, was overwhelmed and a people pleaser.  She did not love herself or like the person she had become.  Her family life, like many, was dysfunctional.  Lori, a very loving and giving woman, had never bought herself a pair of shoes costing over $60 and she had no savings. Lori also had a long list of things which included day to day things, as well as life things, that were simply left undone because she had no time to do them.   She had a To Do list that was 5 pages long and growing.

 

However today, this woman is being paid almost twice the amount she had made when I meet her and she has a job that she absolutely loves that takes her all over the country. She has a wonderful home environment including new adult furniture, “she got a man” (a relationship of three years now), her relationship with her family and friends has shifted enormously in a positive way, she considers herself prosperous, she is migraine-free, and she has met many of her personal goals after putting out all the emotional fires in her life. Lori has fun now and is excited about life. She recently bought herself a brand new car, vacations often, swam with dolphins, and on July 30, 2011, she is moving into a beautiful home with her boyfriend. She takes excellent care of herself and has money in the bank now.  She has stopped being a people pleaser. She is confident and feels deserving now. Lori has learned many life lessons that will keep her from becoming emotionally stuck or having her personal confidence and self esteem take a hammering ever again.

 

As a coach, I am committed to having people shift their lives.  I am committed to having people have fun and take full responsibility for the things that they are passionate about.  Lori is my ideal client – she is committed to having the best in life and the best life ever.   I can say that I am proud that I am her Personal Life Coach and excited about supporting her to accomplish all she wants to do.  As a life coach, I am a committed listener, sounding board and your accountability partner.  As your coach, there is nothing that I cannot hear.  I am open to hearing everything that you want to experience and are currently experiencing – the good, bad, and the different.  I am not here to judge or assess you.  I am here to help you clear the debris; face the fear, challenge the challenges and Live Life Your Way.  I love what I do and I do it with great joy, pleasure, and enthusiasm.

 

Consequently, Lori is still willing to face her fears head on, and continues to build her confidence and self esteem. She has found that working with me as her coach has transformed and continues to transform her life.  I am the perfect coach for her and she is the perfect client for me as she wants her life to be “all it can be” and is continually committed to the process.
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Whose Vagina Is It Anyway?

It seems like women are constantly being told what to do with their vaginas.  In the media, woman are told how to date, what to wear and how to think.  They’re constantly telling women what they should be, do and have.  If it’s not the media, then it is women feeling judged based on their circumstances and they are left feeling like they have no control.  For example, if women are unmarried or childless, it is deemed wrong in some way.  It’s time for women to stand up and realize that there’s nothing wrong and start really believing that you are worthy in spite of your imperfections.   If you find that there is something in life that is not perfect for you, only you can change it.  Don’t complain or fret as only you can change what you don’t like about your life.

As a Personal Life Coach, my commitment is in confidence and self esteem. I use the metaphor of the vagina to distinguish your individual self.  No two vaginas are visually the same and only you individually know what is going on in your vagina and its needs.

I’m always asking the question of “Whose Vagina Is It Anyway?” when I hear the media directing women on their life choices.  I have a very funny male OB/GYN; he is very good and service orientated.  Our relationship is very good and open. I feel I can ask him any question I can come up with.   Nevertheless, I remember going into him and describing a pain I had in my vagina after eating certain foods.  He told me that was not possible.  I looked at him and asked him “Whose Vagina Is It Anyway?”, he checked himself, laughed and apologized by saying how could he ever know what pain I was feeling in my vagina as he does not and never had one.  End of story.

 

So, I request of you today to take charge of your vagina and all that you are.  Do not let anyone decide for you what feels good or what you desire.  Just remember it’s your Vagina and you get to say how it goes.  You get to take responsibility.
I am saddened by how many women do not know the power of their Vagina themselves. As a Personal Life Coach, a lot of woman I  encounter don’t know or understand the control they have when it comes to their needs and desires.  They treat themselves and their vaginas, like a stray kitten waiting for somebody to rescue them, feel them up and give them an orgasm.  Then they walk away feeling resentful because they were treated poorly or bitch and moan when it’s doesn’t turn out the way they hoped.

 

Your Vagina, along with the clitoris, is an amazing structure; it is a sensitive organ and its sole purpose is pleasure.   Can you imagine? How fortunate, an organ for the sole purpose of pleasure.  What a beautiful thing!

 

My personal belief is that women should only release their pleasure organ when they want to and when they feel like it, no matter what.  With all the positive information in the media, women are still feeling the pressure to have sex when they are not interested or don’t want to. They feel pressure to be cute, to be accepted or just to not be rejected.  Sex is a wonderful experience when you want to have sex and not because you’re doing it for the approval of another person.

 

You are the pleasure you need, it’s built in.  When you do something for another person you are seeking something from them. This is done because you don’t have enough strength to really take care of yourselves or your needs. This is not just the practice of young women,  this is also the practice of older women as well.  It has nothing to do with age, educational or economical value; it has to do with personal value.  It is important to be able to speak up for yourself in the world, even in the bedroom or other places where you have sex.

 

It is important to know your vagina, and do only things that excite you. It is important to learn what gives you pleasure and turns you on. Get to know every pore, every corner, curve of your body and mind.  Become an expert on yourself and be able to drive yourself to the highest highs. 

 

After all, “Whose Vagina Is It Anyway?”  Consider if you cannot answer that question faithfully, you could consider using a Personal Life Coach until you can answer this question for yourself without hesitation.
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