The Secret to Great Sex

Photo by Lies Thru a Lens 
Photo by Lies Thru a Lens 

Women with strong healthy sexual boundaries know their likes and dislikes so their communication is clear, attractive and sexy.   Sex is interplay between consenting individuals.  There are things that you’ll like and the other person might not, so it’s necessary to communicate with the person you intend on having sex with clearly.

A woman who is confident with her sexuality expresses it in and out of the bedroom, with clear verbal and non verbal communication.  She knows that her sexual needs, and pleasure are her responsibility 100% and that her partner is 100% responsible for their needs. As a result, if something shows up in the act of sex that does not appeal to her, she would not hesitate to speak her truth and voice her opinion in a manner that is respectful and non judgmental of herself and partner.

A sexually responsible woman is honest with herself about her needs and desires. She has given herself full permission to live truthfully in all areas of her life that are important.  She shares her boundaries clearly and concisely as she knows her pleasure depends upon it.

So like a sexually responsible woman, with anything in life you desire, it is important that your give yourself permission to have it in order to live your life confidently and freely.

What are your boundaries and have you shared them completely?

It’s ability to know what you desire.  Some people have little or no real boundaries, but they know what repulses them.
A boundary based on repulsions is very clear and focused on what you will not do.  It is important to be clear with your boundaries. They should be your own boundaries and not be boundaries where you are dragged along for a ride only your partner will enjoy.

If you follow or are dragged along by other people’s sexual boundaries you will never feel comfortable. You will always end up feeling resentful, and this kind of tension is never good for your well being.  So if you plan to expand or push your sexual boundaries make sure they are based on your own healthy choices.

Think for a moment, how would you share or express yourself for your pleasure with the following:
Touch:  how you’d like to be touched, when to be touched
Pressure: soft, hard
Pace: fast, slow
Lights: on or off
Rough or not
Sexually explicit language
Introduction of Sex Toys
Kissing and telling
Group sex
Pornography
Condoms
Sharing your sexual History

What would your life look like if you gave yourself permission to life with confidence and a strong self esteem in all areas of your life?

What would your life look like if you were living your life with a strong self esteem and without second guessing yourself?

vermox

levitra

Do You Know How To Protect Your Heart?

Photo by Katerha
Photo by Katerha

As a Confidence Coach, I believe setting personal boundaries is a way of protecting and taking care of yourself, your heart and not allowing this get twisted by people comments, thoughts or feelings about you. It is important to be able to tell people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to you and to be able to know that you have the right and duty to protect and defend yourself. It is your responsibility to be clear on how you want others to treat you.
I coach my clients to you learn how to state your feelings verbally and let people know how they feel in a way that communicates clearly. By stating your feelings verbally you affirm your right to your feelings and you know that you are not your feelings you have feelings and they can change from situation to situation, moment to moment. By affirming your feelings it allows you to  take responsibility for yourself and your life. Owning yourself, your reality and your voice is empowering. The result of self-ownership, allows other people to hear and understand you clearly.
Some people might say that setting and having boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. So they are set boundaries when in fact they are attempting to manipulate people and situations. The difference between setting boundaries and manipulation is that boundaries are healthy,give people choices and allows you the freedom to let go of the outcome. Whereby, manipulation is not a clear form of communication and it exploits people into doing what you want them to do, by using methods that cause confusion. This confusion has you

create outcomes that only the manipulator is clear about.It is unhealthy to have relationships with people who have no boundaries, who cannot communicate directly, honestly and freely. Learning how to set boundaries is important and necessary for you to be a friend to yourself and others. It is your responsibility to take care and to protect yourself. It is important to love, honor and respect yourself. You cannot truly love yourself if you do not take responsibility. Loving yourself allows you the opportunity and freedom to be a creator in your life. How well do you set boundaries?  

Why Is Dating So Confusing?

Dating? What is it? Why is it so confusing? Dating is a form of courtship that focuses mostly on social activities between two people for the sole reason of accessing whether they are suitable for each other as an intimate partner or potential mate. Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which emerged in the last few centuries.

During the Middle Ages in Europe, weddings were seen as business arrangements between families.  While romance was something that happened before and outside of marriage, discreetly in covert meetings.  Can you imagine being in a loveless marriage that was a business transaction?  The only way that people were able to pursue love and intimacy was by having affairs.   A 12th-century book, The Art of Courtly Love, advised that “True love can have no place between husband and wife”.  Can you imagine?  I think that we are still at that place given the number of divorces we are experiencing in this time.

Dating is two people together in public, exploring if they should become romantically involved. Each person is in chorus evaluating the other as a possible future partner, and at the same time is being evaluated. Dating is stressful. Some of what happens on a date is guided by a mutual understanding of societies rules. In my opinion, dating becomes scary because of a set of mythological rules from our reptilian brains and how its effect on our emotions.  Dating is not based on logic.  It turns smart successful people into confused bumbling idiots.

What is dating anyway? Why does it catch us off guard? Why do we have all of these negative conversations surrounding dating, most of which we make up in our heads?  What is it that has so many people confused, frightened and upset?   I’ll tell you what I think. It’s because we are all trying very hard to avoid the experience of being vulnerable.  We do not want to be responsible for what we really want in relationship and we have a fear of rejection.

We believe that being vulnerable is a weakness, when being vulnerable is actually one of our strengths.  Being vulnerable allows us to be truthful with ourselves and our feelings. Vulnerability does not operate on the side of logic.

My personal experience with being vulnerable was when I was trying avoid my feelings.  I was feeling anxious, worried and outside of myself.  I do not like these feelings.   So, I do not dwell in them for a long time.  The moment I shared my vulnerability and what I was afraid of, I felt like I rebalanced myself.  I experienced a sense of relief.  It gave me power and the self-awareness of how I was shutting myself down and not being open to my feelings.  I found out I was resisting my emotions by constantly complaining to anyone who would listen.   I discovered that I was creating the same problems in every relationship that I encountered.  I didn’t express my feelings and wasn’t vulnerable, then I became distant or resentful.

When you are considering dating, it is important to know what it is that you want to create for yourself.  What is the intention of dating? Be honest and clear with yourself.  Take nothing personally.  Accept that your date is having their own variation of what it is you are going through.   After you gain clarity about your needs, wants, and expectations, be courageous enough to share them, knowing that not every person who wants to date might be on the same page as you.

proscar

Own The Bitch Within

“What a Bitch!”   “I cannot believe she’s so Bitchy.”  “She is one hard Bitch.”

Have you noticed when a woman is confident and feels truly good about herself, knows what she wants, has clear concise boundaries and is developing her personal power in a healthy way, she is often referred to as Bitch. Some of her friends might even say things like “she has changed.”  Of course she changed.  Everyone changes over time.

Who wants to stay the same? Who wants to remain ignorant and insecure?  I don’t think any woman wants that.  Life is a series of choices and so we change.

It is time to stop seeking external validation, by being “nice”, living in guilt, feeling afraid, being people pleaser, or by downplaying your needs and by putting yourself last. It’s time to own your personal power and deal with yourself by:

•    Owning the Bitch Within
•    Learning to be Selfish
•    Going for your desires
•    Playing a bigger life game
Bringing forth your personal power

The word Bitch might have negative connotations; but in some areas of life if you’re a woman on a mission and up to big things, at some point you will be called a bitch to your face.  But more often than not, it’s behind your back.  It’s important to become okay with yourself the way you are and not feel you have to defend yourself against stupidity.

Gossip, is a part of life. When people don’t know you they will make up all kinds of stories about you until they find out the truth.  I have a saying, if no one is talking about you, you really not up to much.  But, when you’ve learned to deal with fear and yourself, the term bitch, will no longer have control over you.  You’ll experience major growth and personal power.  Then any comment made about you, will no longer produce a negative feeling or result, it will be like water off a ducks back.

A Woman Owning the Bitch Within

In order to love the bitch within, you have to know and own that bitch.  In this blog,  the bitch I’m referring to is a strong, confident loving person that has healthy boundaries.  She knows that nothing is personal.  This Bitch accepts herself for all she is and all she is not.  She is grateful for her mind, potential and life and is willing to create anything she wants to experience. She knows that mistakes are a part of the journey of growth and development.  She knows that nothing is ever really wrong.  She is 100% responsible for her life, the way it is and the way it is not.  She is open to living a joyous life knowing that things happen for the greater good.  She knows she has choices and can complain, or be a victim in a continuous cycle of negativity and righteousness.

Learning to be Selfish

This Bitch she is very selfish.  However, the reason why she is selfish is because she knows she does not come from a deficit in any area in her life.  She is abundant in her way of being.  She gives 100% because she coming from a place of self-love, abundance and generosity.   Self-love is a heartfelt experience.  This is not the kind of Bitch that is aggressive and negates other people’s rights.  She is empowered and thus empowers others.  She is willing to take responsibility for her life and gives up making excuses.  This is not the kind of selfishness that does not care about the effects of her actions on other people.  This Bitch is not aggressive or controlling.  Being Selfish means that you make sure that you are taken care of. When you are completely taken care, you have an abundance of self to give away.   When you say yes, you mean yes.  When say no, you mean no. There is no questioning of choice.  Everything is sent out for the highest good and everyone receives the highest good back.

Going for your desires

This bitch goes for, knows and asks clearly for exactly what she wants.  She also knows that clarity is one of the keys to having it all, so she does not settle for less than what she wants.  She also knows that if she has the right to go for her desires, so does everyone else.  She knows that the universe is abundant.  Being fulfilled in all of her desires is important. Her desires are important.  She will ask as many times as it is necessary to get what she really wants.  She knows when she stops asking for her desires, it not that she cannot have it.  It’s that something better has shown up and taken it place. Desires are continuous and so we keep on asking until old desires are met and new ones are created.

Playing a bigger game

This Bitch knows that playing a bigger game in life does not have anything to do with size or amount, it means being authentic and honest with one’s thoughts and feelings.  Having the freedom to live one’s dream.  Being happy with her choices so that her energy can be directed where she would like it to be.  She believes in herself and she believes that all things are possible.  She knows to achieve the life she wants.  Believing in herself is a choice.  It’s an attitude that she has developed for herself overtime.  She does not blame her family for the hand that she was dealt, or the race, physical size or class that she was born into. She knows that she is responsible for her own concepts and she can change them.  Her game in life is personal to her and no one ever has to agree or want to play.  She is okay about other people’s opinions, as she knows their opinions are none of her business.

Bringing forth your personal power

The Complete Bitch has personal power.   She needs no reason, she just is.  It is her very own.  The Bitch that I speak of knows that if she is going to be successful in her life in her own right. She knows that it’s the way she handles herself and owns the Bitch within.   Personal Power is within us to create the lives we want.  The life we dream about and the life that we were born to live.  You have to claim your personal power.

What would you life look like if you owned the bitch within and gave up complaining? If you took responsibility and started being a woman and owning the Bitch within? I invite you to add your comments in the box below.

I Made a Philanderer Cry

Last night I went out for a drink.  I was feeling pretty sexy and strutted down the street with my 5 inch heels and my very cute purple jeweled dress with the appropriate plunging neckline.  I make my way to the bar.   When I go out alone, I usually sit at the bar because the bar is where you have the best chance of meeting people to talk to.  I love talking to people.  You might say I will only meet men at the bar, but I meet a lot of people.

Anyway, I’m sitting at the bar and here comes this attractive men – tall, dark and well-spoken etc.  He asks if he could talk with me.  Sure! He starts talking about his life and how cute I am, which is always fabulous.  He tells me he finds me sexy. Great! I put in a ten minute effort to get dressed, plus the beautiful Yves Saint Laurent lipstick that I spend $40 dollars on that day with my Mascara that I purchased for $25.00. I had a $100 face on.  Lol.  What the hey, I was looking good, feeling good and yes smelling good.

He pats my hair then tells me he’s been dying to do that.  What the hey; I say.  Men are always wanting to touch my hair.  I guess it the gives them the caveman experience they like re-enacting.  Anyway, he goes on to tell me that he is married; red flag.  30 years, he loves his wife. I say great.

Rule number one I don’t date married men.  So he tells me is wife is on long island tonight with their daughter.  I say great.  He tells me he used to be a NBA player back in the 70s I say great.  He tells me he owns restaurants and he’s got a comfortable life for himself, I say great.  I’m listening.

Then he comes the sob story I have to take out my tiny violin.  I love my wife but my wife and I don’t have sex.  I saw that coming a mile off.  I say Great.  So I ask what is that has you not have with your wife?  He rambles on about she has always let him have one night stand with the rule of not falling in love.  So he has lived his whole married life with this conversation and level of freedom.  So when did you and your wife stop having sex?  One year ago.  She became angry.  She cut him off.  How do you feel about this?  I don’t know.  Are you sad about it? He describes his wife as an elephant.  What do you mean by that?  He says that she has a large memory.  She never forgets the past.  I ask him if he loves his wife.  He says absolutely.  She is the mother of his children.  He is not leaving her.  He has another woman that he has been seeing her for years.  So why are you trolling for another woman.  Least of all me?  He was very straight forward.  He told me he would like to get naked with me.  After he told me he had a full hip replacement because of his life playing sports.  Hey.  Anyway, I asked him a few more questions, do you want to have sex with your wife?  He starts joking about how he want to get naked with me.  I was grossed out but smiling and thinking of a large chunk of plastic.

I asked him what had him marry his wife and stay so long.  She allowed him to do what he wanted, she was sexy etc. They went to college together, she did his papers.  She was available for whatever he wanted.  She traded for the good life.  He said he hurt her emotionally not physically.  He was not rough with her. She is a great woman.  He loves her.

His wife was hurt, she had given him space to be. However, now she was upset about her choices.  She shut down and in-turn shut him down.   He was sad, upset and remorseful. His commitment for his wife is amazing; his love for her is great.   He’s dealing with his behavior.  He’s afraid of losing her and he is about to lose her if he does not taken fast action.  Then I notice his eyes well up with tears, his lips going in and out quivering.  He’s crying now.  Noreen, you made a grown man cry.  I asked him if he was crying and he said yes.  I acknowledged his tears and his commitment to his wife.  It was clear to me.  He cried some more.

I know that he did not get dressed this evening to go out and pick up a woman that would go toe to toe with him about his life and make him cry.  Dude no sex happening over here?  He was moved and talked some more still crying.  He thanked me and said I will talk to my wife. I gave him my number and he said he’d like to talk with me again.  He’s been trying to work this out for ages.

Can you imagine? What I do know is this man loved his wife.  Having sex with strange woman just kept his self-loathing and encouraged his habit of not being responsible and honest with himself in first place.  So that was my night.  It was fun.  I looked sexy. I had a philander cry and made a difference in his life.

Creating Boundaries for Great Sex

Women with strong healthy sexual boundaries know their likes and dislikes so their communication is clear, attractive and sexy.   Sex is interplay between consenting individuals.  There are things that you’ll like and the other person might not, so it’s necessary to communicate with the person you intend on having sex with clearly.

A woman who is confident with her sexuality expresses it in and out of the bedroom, with clear verbal and non verbal communication.  She knows that her sexual needs, and pleasure are her responsibility 100% and that her partner is 100% responsible for their needs. As a result, if something shows up in the act of sex that does not appeal to her, she would not hesitate to speak her truth and voice her opinion in a manner that is respectful and non judgmental of herself and partner.

A sexually responsible woman is honest with herself about her needs and desires. She has given herself full permission to live truthfully in all areas of her life that are important.  She shares her boundaries clearly and concisely as she knows her pleasure depends upon it.
So like a sexually responsible woman, with anything in life you desire, it is important that your give yourself permission to have it in order to live your life confidently and freely.

What are your boundaries and have you shared them completely?

It’s ability to know what you desire.  Some people have little or no real boundaries, but they know what repulses them.
A boundary based on repulsions is very clear and focused on what you will not do.  It is important to be clear with your boundaries. They should be your own boundaries and not be boundaries where you are dragged along for a ride only your partner will enjoy.
If you follow or are dragged along by other people’s sexual boundaries you will never feel comfortable. You will always end up feeling resentful, and this kind of tension is never good for your well being.  So if you plan to expand or push your sexual boundaries make sure they are based on your own healthy choices.
Think for a moment, how would you share or express yourself for your pleasure with the following:
Touch:  how you’d like to be touched, when to be touched
Pressure: soft, hard
Pace: fast, slow
Lights: on or off

Rough or not
Sexually explicit language
Introduction of Sex Toys
Kissing and telling
Group sex
Pornography
Condoms
Sharing your sexual History

What would your life look like if you gave yourself permission to life with confidence and a strong self esteem in all areas of your life?
What would your life look like if you were living your life with a strong self esteem and without second guessing yourself?

The importance of creating boundaries in your life

Setting personal boundaries is a way of protecting and taking care of you. It is important to be able to tell people when they are performing in ways that are not acceptable. It is also important to be able to know that you have the right and duty to protect and defend yourself. It is not only your right to protect and defend yourself; it is your responsibility to be clear on how you want others to treat you.

It is important that you learn how to state your feelings verbally and let people know how you feel in a way that communicates clearly. By stating your feelings verbally you affirm your right to your feelings. By affirming your feelings it allows you to begin taking responsibility for yourself and your life. Owning yourself, your reality and your voice is empowering. The result of self ownership allows other people to hear and understand you clearly.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. Some people might say that they are setting boundaries when in fact they are attempting to manipulate people and situations. The difference between setting boundaries and manipulation is that boundaries are healthy and it gives people choices. Also setting boundaries allow you the freedom to let go of the outcome. Whereby, manipulation is not a clear form of communication and it exploits people into doing what you want them to do by using methods that cause confusion. This confusion creates outcomes that only the manipulator is clear about.

It is unhealthy to have relationships with people who have no boundaries, who cannot communicate directly, honestly and freely. Learning how to set boundaries is important and necessary for you to be a friend to yourself and others. It is your responsibility to take care of and to protect yourself. It is important to love, honor and respect yourself. You cannot truly love yourself if you do not take responsibility. Loving yourself allows you the opportunity and freedom to be a creator in your life.

Photo Courtesy of SkyWhisper

Below are a few examples of boundaries:

Setting boundaries with people who are upset
Please do not shout at me. Lower, your voice or I will not have this conversation

Setting boundaries when at work
Please do not call me at work to discuss personal issues. I only conduct personal issues at home in the evening.

Setting boundaries for critical people
I thank you for your comment with regard to my personal appearance
It is not okay for you to discuss my hair or weight. I find that it offends me.

Setting boundaries with friends who borrow money
It is important that you pay back money you owe or I will not loan you any money in the future.

There are many kinds of boundaries that you can create. The following is a list of areas that might require setting boundaries:
Boundaries for space
Boundaries for time
Boundaries for money
Boundaries for work
Boundaries for family
Boundaries for adults
Boundaries for sex

I hope that this article gives you some insights into creating boundaries for yourself.

Noreen Sumpter, Personal Life Coach: works with High Achievers who feel trapped in their private life and helps them build up their personal confidence and self-esteem. By helping you clear mental clutter and dissolve limiting beliefs, you can take deliberate steps, own your voice, speak your truth and have the freedom to Live Life Your Way.

   “Live Life Your Way”    www.noreensumptercoach.com 
Call 718-834-9450 or e-mail noreen@noreensumptercoach.com
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