Take an action step to complete it. By completing I mean letting go of all the drama that you have surrounding the thing you are choosing to face. Do not make it wrong or make yourself wrong about it, release it and let it be. No more complaining.
Who do you choose to face, you might have to take action even risk not being right or even not being liked.
From time to time we all experience situations that we do not like or that seem remarkable, uncomfortable, embarrassing and or painful. These situations might often cause vulnerability. These feelings or situations can be lived with. You might not relish them, but you have survived the year experiencing them. The situation might be one area of life that is not working so that unconscious voice inside orders you indirectly to hide the experience behind clichés, myths and points of view. All the while, you are not realizing or accepting that self-denial is what is in the driving seat. Hello Baby!
Some of these clichés might live in the following statements
It’s none of my business.
Don’t air your dirty laundry with me.
One drink before bed is fine, granny did it for years.
One more cigarette I’ll quit tomorrow, what can one do.
I hate the job but it pays the bills.
He does not mean to ___ me.
It’s just this one time what can it hurt.
I’m sure he’s going to pay me back he said he would.
Credit cards debt is normal everybody has some.
Someone else will do it. It’s not my job anyway.
People like us __________.
Those kinds of people ____________.
A good percentage of the time, it is human to make up reasons why things are the way they are. If you don’t accept the denial of making up reasons, you create more reasons on top the first set of reasons. That is what we do. One denial brings a mountain of reasons that we automatically believe to be real. By not facing why the problem turned up in the first place, we fail to acknowledge the situation quickly. When we face our problems, we experience less pain to begin with and the problem becomes easier to resolve.
Sometimes reasons why something is not working the way they ought to is a bunch of Bubble wrap. The car would not have broken down on the highway if I had taken it to the shop sooner. Now there’s a tow truck and repairs to pay for. One top of that, the triple AAA membership expired just a day or so ago. This is a perfect example of what could have been avoided had the situation been taken care of when it first came up. It would have been cheaper, saved time and if some integrity had been put in the situation might never have happened.
This year 2012 ask yourself if you are willing to take steps to get past your states of denial? Are you willing to face your states and situations sooner than later instead of hiding out with it in denial? Real power exists when you face life head on even when you do not feel like it.
Jump in get help clear the denial so you can breathe. You know who you are.
Take responsibility for your life, for all the things that you do and do not do. No more pretending not notice that something is missing, not working or was not done.
Well really how do you think I got so fat? Consistency. Consistency is everything, I ate consistently and I sat on my duff and watched television every night while eating not exercising. The fat did not arrive all at once, it was a little bit at a time. Here’s the back story. I was always thin, that also took consistency. The kind of consistency that I did not think about I ate what my mother made, yuck! at the time. Lots of vegetables, salad and balanced meat and starches I rode my bike every day and walked a lot. Then I moved to America and got married I went from 145lbs to 160lbs, large New York style dinners that at first I scoffed at and then started to indulge in. This was consistency number one. Spending nights indoors, with my new husband and eating ice-cream. My exercise became zero, as I was a little afraid to ride my bike in NY.
No exercising and eating food for 4 people, my weight slowly crept up through consistently. Now, I say this to say that I didn’t have a chemical imbalance. I didn’t have a slow metabolism or anything medically wrong with me. What I had was the consistency of not being consistent with my order of life. Eating large portions, eating late at night and no exercise.
When we desire change in your lives, it takes work to go out and get it. I am obsessed with success and I have learned that success takes a huge commitment. A commitment to transform your life, success with anything takes the form of consistency. If you desire to release fat from your body, it takes a consistent full blown effort. I love listening to people talk as I go about my daily business. As I was walking down Clinton Ave in Brooklyn the other day, I had the liberty of listening to a woman talking on the phone about her weight, the story went a little like this. “I don’t know what happens to my weight. It seems as though I lose a lot of weight then I have some macaroni and cheese and my weight just seems to pile back on.” Girl, I don’t know. I’m not exercising, and I’ve been eating yams and stuff and I cannot seem to lose the weight. Giggle!” Well, we have all been this woman, maybe not eating what is healthy, desiring to lose weight. At the same time believing that they can do it through osmosis. I have been her. It was not until I developed consistency which is a habit which became automatic that I was able to get the results that were possible.
Now, it was not easy. It was painful building muscle and working out doing pushups and running because I heard all my internal conversations running around my head telling me “this is hard”. “You could do 3 laps and stop.” “That’s enough, oh my legs hurt, I can’t breathe.” What the bubble wrap is going on. “It’s too dark outside. I cannot climb another step. Please Dr. Evil no more pushup. I can’t do it.” Wanting to cheat myself, I heard all my internal conversations. Say I did 3 when I know I have only done 2. My favorite excuse was my butt is to heavy I cannot run, I don’t like that feeling. Hello!
However, consistency had me listen to my internal conversations and see all my distractions and keep moving. Successful people keep moving. They keep asking, get knocked down and ask again by creating and then taking responsibility time and time again inside of the world of consistency. Anything that is new and different is within your personal grasp it is usually difficult and calls for constituency. The Beyonces, Oprah, Jay-Z, Ben Carsons, Michael Critchtons, Elma Blints are all the people that are successful. They include anyone with a dream they believe in and who are committed to their personal success. It takes great effort of consistency to be successful in your life. Anything you would like in you life share it, tell it to people who will support you in being your best self and achieving your goal. Release people that put you down or try to make you feel consistently bad about yourself. Always pay attention to the fact that no one can make you feel bad about yourself. They say what they say and you can take it into you space or you can choose to ignore it and move on knowing that statement doesn’t work for you. Keep creating more and more goals for yourself, break them down into bite size pieces and accomplish them one bite at a time each time remembering to celebrate your achievement.
Consistency is the key you success.
Consistency is not “I will do it tomorrow.” Consistency is creating a platform for yourself and sharing with others and setting yourself up to win.
Make a list of the things that are not working in your life. Clear out resentments.
Who are the people you need to have conversations with so that you can relief yourself of the resentments that have been brewing far too long? What kind of physical exercise can you do at least 30 minutes per day so that you will feel good about yourself?
What are the things that you find yourself obsessing about and that interfere with you?
Yes, yes that thing, that thing that you have been talking about for a long time. That thing that you know will transform an aspect of your life and make you feel good, but you feel confronted by. Is it about your weight, lack of relationship, finances and career?
I had a conversation this week with someone who was complaining about her health and well being, mostly her weight. She said that she was fat and she was doing all kinds of pills and potions to get in shape. She’s spending money on diet drugs. She knows she should get in the gym or work out with a trainer. Her conversation is that she has to lose weight before she goes to the gym because she was ashamed of being seen. I have heard this before. The idea of getting in shape before you start to get in shape.
Taking care of yourself is not just about losing weight and looking good. taking care of yourself is in everyday things as well. What my friend was doing was not avoiding going to the gym. It was avoiding taking car of herself. It was avoiding building her confidence and self-esteem.
Take care of yourself. Make sure that you eat healthy meals. It is said the 80% all diseases are preventable with a change in diet by adding 30 min of exercise to your day, and a fruit and vegetable to each meal.
Make an integrity list of all the things you would like to do that you have not done.
Completing an integrity list gives you power and frees you up to think clearly which allows you to be confident. Once you have the list set up an action plan that put things in time and space also know as time and date. Here are some examples:
– Remove summer clothes from closets.
– Remove all clothes that you do not feel comfortable in.
– Make appointments with your various doctors for check-ups.
– Request a raise.
– Renewal of licenses etc.
– Update your closet with items that make you feel good.
– Set up an exercise plan of action.
– Remove clutter mental, emotional and physical.
– Update you mental image: Is it time to remove ideas, thoughts and reason that negatively impact your life.
You’re the only person that is responsible for your life. In life, things happen. You meet different people and experience different events that impact your life that you might feel you cannot control. I am here to let you know that you are the only person that can choose what you do with those experiences. You can use your experiences as tools that are either empowering or dis-empowering, you get to choose.
It is your responsibility to choose what you do with the experiences in your life. “Your Life” not my life. Dreams you want have to be created and you need to take the next step figuring out the actions to take in order to materialize them. The actions steps are usually the most difficult and most rewarding.
It is important that you respond to the events of your life. It is also important that you consider the state of your affairs and decide what is working for you and what is not working. Ask yourself, what is missing and if it were present what would your life look like.
You have the power to take action. You have the power to change your circumstances. Please keep in mind that your circumstances are just that -circumstances and in time, with action, all circumstances change. The only difference is you either take action or remain inactive.
As a coach, I experience clients who live in their lives with a victim’s mentality, blind to their own magnificence. You say your childhood was not so easy and you grew up in an unhealthy environment. You feel weighed down by self defeating cycles. You feel powerless, undervalued, a loser, overwhelmed and the list goes on. Okay, so you had a malicious, hateful relationship or a spiteful co-worker who sabotaged you and got you fired. Yes, it is a bad circumstance and feeling. However, you cannot let that or any experience, take away your power! It is time to rise up. It is time to start being authentic. People who are effective do not stay stuck in the past. Do you want to be powerful?
Get real in your life, your relationships and your job. Take time to add fun, creativity and balance. Know that in your heart that you will survive. If you want a great life, you have no choice but to live. Successful people do not loiter in their past. Successful people learn from their past, take what they need and let it go. Their lives are lived in the present; they plan and create newly for their future. When things happen that they do not desire or like, they reach into their power and deal with the facts. With the facts they take full responsibility and sort out the situation in the way that gets constructive results that reflect their lives in a respectful, positive and self loving way.
Know that you are great. Rise up! Take responsibility for your life.
Are you fed up of wanting things that do not seem to materialize? You want someone to make your dreams come true. You are mad and frustrated at times, you feel resentful of complete strangers and even more frustrated at people on television who seem to have it all. In spite of this, you cannot seem to get your butt off the couch to make something happen. You’re so glazed over by the television that you cannot even think let alone dream. Some of you might even think that your way too old to dream anymore. I heard two women speaking and one asked the other if she sings anymore. Her friend looked away as if searching for a distant memory. No, I do not sing anymore. You know after you get to 40 your washed up and nobody wants to hear you. That is pretty sad. It is sad when you give up something that gives you pleasure because you belief you are too old. If that were true, what would we look forward to.
Photo Courtesy of The Round Peg
Age has got nothing to do with dreaming: think of people who are in retirement that have started new businesses, gone back to school, who have gotten married. I am sure they were not thinking that they were too old. They were just being in the moment and being happy.
Well, relax and get a grip on yourself. All that whining and droning on is not going to make any difference. What you have to do is drag whatever your conversation is about yourself – whether it your lazy, heavy, sad, disappointed, rejected bootie up – and make something happen. I know that it is difficult at any time to drag any part of our anatomy when we are feeling all of the above. Many of the above statements are judgments and limiting beliefs that you make up about yourselves and believe to be real. These judgments and beliefs block your creative juices and we end up feeling stuck and bad about ourselves.
Listen , No one wants to hear whining least of all you don’t want to hear yourself whining. Are you the kind of person that when you meet a friend in the street and complains? It does not have to be a close friend, it can be just a street neighbor. You know the one that lives up the street who you see now and then who you start to drop all you woes, anguish, sadness, wretchedness and straight up misery to. My God, nobody wants to listen to your misery. Please give yourself a break! No one wants to hear about your not making any money, your lack of relationships, no social life, how old you are etc. It is depressing and upsetting and least of all you’re reminding people of there own issues. Please stop, quit, listen to yourself, shut up and change directions.
Life is a wonderful playground filled with all kinds of adventures. So there. Now that you know that. Can you believe that is an Adventure play-ground? What adventures do you want? Are you willing to go after them?
So, Honey, you might not have any idea about what you want. You might just say “I want to be happy.” All the people on planet earth want to be happy. I would say just be happy. Happiness is an emotion. It is a natural emotional expression. A baby laying in its stroller/crib on a nice warm sunny day who has a clean diaper and their stomach is full, does not have a thought about being happy. The baby does not look up at its parents and say. Mother dear, I just want to be happy. If only I could walk and talk to you, I would be ever so happy. NOT. The baby is just happy being a baby. You understand conscious and subconscious. You can be, do and have anything you want. So why are you whimpering about happiness. People, just be happy.
Photo Courtesy of Navy Blue Stripes
Do you know that the universe has every kind of adventure that your minds could ever create? It’s just for us to create something. Do it. If we don’t like it you can change directions and do something else. That is the beauty of the universe, it will not make you wrong. You make you wrong. You add the guilt and feel guilty. It is important for you to create the adventure or seek out the adventure that you want.
Did you ever stop to think that not knowing what you want could be a great place to start, because the point of not knowing gives you the freedom to create from nothing. Think about it. You get an opportunity to just start something. Anything, but something. Just starting something can lift your energy and get you moving. It does not have to be anything that others think is special, what is important is that you think it is important. If you think it is important to you, then go for it. It just has to be something that feels good to your soul. Many people know what a good feeling is. So if you do something and it generates a good feeling then keep doing it.
(However, please note. Not all things that create good feelings are healthy. ie, illegal drugs create a good feeling. However, they are not good for you and you will end up in a not so good condition or place. Alcohol has a good feeling in the beginning. However, it is not to be used as a substitute for happiness. I am talking about things that make you feel soulfully good and happy. Soulfully happy for me is a feeling that when you think of it, it bring tears of joy to your eyes and my heart feels full. Or other times, I get this fresh air feeling to my heart. Hey, you know your soulfully good and happy feeling and if you don’t, start looking for it.)
Once you have found your soulfully happy feeling, because you have connected with the thing that you want to create. What do you think could happen in your life? You start to feel happy you experience happiness. Instead of having those non productive conversations where you are miserable, start having conversations that are filled with energy and excitement. Instead of being a energy drainer, you now become a person that is glowing and sharing. People start sharing your energy. You feel excited about what it is you are doing and people want to share and spend time with you. You start to look attractive and people are now attracted to you. They start to enjoy your company. You start to enjoy your own company. It is fascinating to see this happen.
Once you have a clear decision, you get to have real use of the adventure playground. You get to jump on all of the games and equipment the universe has to offer. You get to go to the ball. You get to have that dream of whatever it is you want. I am not going to put any ideas in your head because your ideas are unique to you.
Setting personal boundaries is a way of protecting and taking care of you. It is important to be able to tell people when they are performing in ways that are not acceptable. It is also important to be able to know that you have the right and duty to protect and defend yourself. It is not only your right to protect and defend yourself; it is your responsibility to be clear on how you want others to treat you.
It is important that you learn how to state your feelings verbally and let people know how you feel in a way that communicates clearly. By stating your feelings verbally you affirm your right to your feelings. By affirming your feelings it allows you to begin taking responsibility for yourself and your life. Owning yourself, your reality and your voice is empowering. The result of self ownership allows other people to hear and understand you clearly.
Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. Some people might say that they are setting boundaries when in fact they are attempting to manipulate people and situations. The difference between setting boundaries and manipulation is that boundaries are healthy and it gives people choices. Also setting boundaries allow you the freedom to let go of the outcome. Whereby, manipulation is not a clear form of communication and it exploits people into doing what you want them to do by using methods that cause confusion. This confusion creates outcomes that only the manipulator is clear about.
It is unhealthy to have relationships with people who have no boundaries, who cannot communicate directly, honestly and freely. Learning how to set boundaries is important and necessary for you to be a friend to yourself and others. It is your responsibility to take care of and to protect yourself. It is important to love, honor and respect yourself. You cannot truly love yourself if you do not take responsibility. Loving yourself allows you the opportunity and freedom to be a creator in your life.
Photo Courtesy of SkyWhisper
Below are a few examples of boundaries:
Setting boundaries with people who are upset
Please do not shout at me. Lower, your voice or I will not have this conversation
Setting boundaries when at work
Please do not call me at work to discuss personal issues. I only conduct personal issues at home in the evening.
Setting boundaries for critical people
I thank you for your comment with regard to my personal appearance
It is not okay for you to discuss my hair or weight. I find that it offends me.
Setting boundaries with friends who borrow money
It is important that you pay back money you owe or I will not loan you any money in the future.
There are many kinds of boundaries that you can create. The following is a list of areas that might require setting boundaries:
Boundaries for space
Boundaries for time
Boundaries for money
Boundaries for work
Boundaries for family
Boundaries for adults
Boundaries for sex
I hope that this article gives you some insights into creating boundaries for yourself.
Noreen Sumpter, Personal Life Coach: works with High Achievers who feel trapped in their private life and helps them build up their personal confidence and self-esteem. By helping you clear mental clutter and dissolve limiting beliefs, you can take deliberate steps, own your voice, speak your truth and have the freedom to Live Life Your Way.
“Live Life Your Way” www.noreensumptercoach.com
Call 718-834-9450 or e-mail noreen@noreensumptercoach.com
Subscribe to my weekly Newsletter, join me on Facebook and Twitter
This morning, I started my Vision for 2012, and I thought about all of you. Do you create a Vision for the new year? And how do you do it? We often look back on the year and go over all the ways we failed. I wanted to do this but I failed. I was supposed to do this but I’m not good enough. Stop it! Would you put your best friend down like this. No! If you did, what type of friend would you be. Instead, think about what you accomplished in the different areas of your life. Write about it like you are getting an award. The idea is to look at your life as a review that would look like your own life commercial review. To give you an idea of what I mean, here’s mine:
Photo courtesy of motone
Personal Development
I have fully reorganized my business. I have registered into the Landmark Forum and am doing a program called ‘Introduction Leaders Program’. It is a developmental program where I get to develop myself as a leader. In this program I get to look at myself from a place of power and create possibilities that I can live into. I look at what is missing in my life not what is wrong and create a possibility that calls to me into action and has me transform areas of my life that are important to me.
Relationships and Dating
I am seeing a man. After not dating for nearly 2 years unaware of the length of time I had not been intimate. I am seeing an amazing man who is sexy, powerful, open, honest, smart, and generous who has a stand for mankind where fairness on the planet and in his homeland is important. I am having a level of intimacy, I have never known. I am sharing myself openly and honestly.
I am asking for support in my life. Support is full circle for me. I give. Now, I allow others to give to me.
I have allowed my nurturing qualities to unfold and I love it. It is no longer exclusive to children. It is open to everyone.
I am trusting that everything that I choose will and can contribute to my life and there are no accidents on the planet.
I have lost a few friends this year that I love and will always love. However, it was far too much work to continue to play with them. So I released them with love. I have reached out to my brothers, one of which is up to starting a relationship with me where we are family. The other is mad at me and wants nothing to do with me. I will continue to reach out. He is my brother my blood and I love him. I don’t have to agree with anything he does or does not do. I can agree to disagree and not make him wrong.
Photo Courtesy of Jeditrilobite
Business and Career Development
I am growing my business; I have reorganized my business from the inside out and updated and upgraded all my prices. I have upgraded my skills and I am more in love with my business than ever before.
I continue to love the clients I have and I am ready to attract new clients.
Health and Well-Being
I have lost 25 lb.. and lost 2 dress sizes with the help of Gregg Barthelemy AKA Dr. Evil. Dr. Evil is one of the best things that have happened to me in 2011. He has not stood for any of my whining about the pushups that I could not do. I can now do 20 pushups, yes with struggle but I can do them. I am now a size 12. My goal is health and well-being is great and I am working toward being a size 10.
I am in great physical and emotional health. I am happy, I have been eating well. I still need to integrate water into my diet. I juice every day and I love it.
I have chosen vulnerability and I am in love with myself and love every part of who I am. I am looking throughout my life and ridding myself of old stagnant conversations that will be upgraded and ways of being that no longer serve my me or my life.
Looking back at the past year, you will see what you have accomplished and how far you have come.
Fear is an emotional response to an impending threat or danger. It is one of our most basic responses. Most of the fears that we experience today in our society are imagined. We experience the fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success. All kinds of fears – many of which are attached to our belief systems.
Photo courtesy of ia7mad
I used to have a fear of going to the movies by myself. While I longed to go to the movies, I refused to go alone. I had a fear of being molested by a man wearing a beige raincoat that was cinched at the waist. This was something that I had heard as a child and added to my belief system. How ridiculous! However, as I grew older I realized that I had this fear of going alone, but I could not remember why. It wasn’t until I accepted that I was afraid that I was able to see what my fear was, where it came from, and how it came to be. My older brother used to take me to the movies when I was younger and in order to keep us in line he would tell us about the old man in the beige coat that would take us away and do awful things to us. What I realized was that I had internalized a lot of that story and it followed me for years. I was 30 years old when I finally went to the movies by myself. Yep, 30 years old. Some people might say that’s crazy. However, in my mind I was still young and very afraid. Consequently, that was what my limiting belief looked like. It was an old condition that kept me from succeeding and going to the movies by myself.
Limiting beliefs interfere with many aspects of our lives. There are all kinds of limiting beliefs that stop us from succeeding. Fear of Failure is a huge limiting belief. I recently had the opportunity to meet a woman who was raised middle class, but because of her experience attending a school with children who were not middle class, she developed the limiting belief of not deserving. Because her friends did not have, she stopped asking her parents for the things she wanted. She did not want to feel like a show off because of her nice clothes and her toys and gadgets. If she did get something she used it at home and refused to wear clothes that were better than her peers.
Fast forward into adulthood. Her limiting belief manifested into not having made enough money to live on. She always squeaked by with just enough money for her basic needs, but never enough for extras. As a result of her limiting belief, she has never developed the confidence to ask for the salary that she wanted and conditioned herself to not have any idea about the amount money she wants to make. So she lives in a world of not enough and not deserving.
Photo courtsey of _Blippo_
Limiting beliefs can show up in lots of different ways and if the limiting belief is something that you developed as a child. It grows up with you into an adult-sized limiting belief system. In order to succeed and clear your limiting beliefs, you have to submerge and focus your mind with positive thoughts. You have to starting creating the reality you want. You cannot for one moment allow old limiting beliefs to enter your mind and re-root themselves. It takes effort, courage and knowing in your gut that limiting beliefs can be overcome.
Fear of change, keeps you small
So you avoid discomfort by making excuses.
How is that going for you?
I cannot afford it, I have to wait, I don’t know. Oh my God, I have to make that call and I forget. Why don’t they just stop contacting me? Why is she continuing to talk about this again and again? I really want to but… my head, my children, I have to ask my husband. These are some the many excuses we make up in our lives when the change you requested starts to come.
What are the excuses that have you playing small in your life? Above are a myriad of excuses that I have heard and that I have also used in my life. However, I now know when my ego is messing with me. It is working hard on stopping me from doing the things I want to do but I am afraid to do.
My fear shows up around money, I get a triggered. I feel it in my solar plexus and I start the nagging internal dialog. My internal dialog doesn’t have language, it just has feelings. However, what I have found is that if I do not choose that thing that will impact my life positively. I’ll spend the money on something or another that really has no educational or emotional impact on my life and my life stays the same. Whereby, when I think of spending money on a course, seminar, workshop and or coach that would transform my mindset, it causes me emotional upheaval in my subconscious because my ego so big. It is does not like change and responds by making me mad at myself.
I have listened to woman who, like myself, have attended workshops. It is so amazing to hear the conversations and about the way they hear things and interpret them. Be aware it is the ego, it stands in the way of your greatness. It is also has a way of being arrogant. You know that you need help, but you refuse to take it.
In my work, I hear and see a lot of what is happening in the back ground of women’s life. I hear all the little conversations and disguises that are put on when you have not set up strong, personal boundaries in your life. I also hear when you’re trying to manipulate people into doing something that you want without using your verbal skills. I also hear when you are trying to ‘fake’ knowing something when is really okay not to know it. I also hear when you job runs your life and you have no personal activities going on in your life. I hear the bitterness in some that is so bitter it impacts their whole environment. (Not a judgment, just an observation.)
I also have the keen intuition of knowing and recognize when someone else’s anxiety is coming from being overwhelmed, not trusting or being present with your life. When you have all the accoutrements that money can buy, you’re great at your job but you do not your personal life. You’re amazing people, you are strong and many times you are very very afraid of your own personal power. Ask me how I know. I have been there.
It does not work for me that woman do not know their power, they feel something other than their true selves all the time or suffer inside from behaviors that no longer work for them. All because they are afraid of what people are going to say about them. It is important to know that it is none of your business what people say about you. Ladies the fear of change, the lack of confidence and self esteem in your personal life keeps your small in your personal life and to avoid discomfort, you make up excuses.
Guilt leaves you feeling YUCKY. Guilt is a very dis-empowering action. The majority of the women I come in contact with as a Confidence and Self Esteem Expert experience tremendous guilt. They feel guilty around their children, friends, family and the list goes on. However, when you are in love with yourself, you have a strong sense of security and you can step out of the guilty behavior. Letting go of guilt enables you to make deliberate choices allowing you to own the process of loving yourself.
One experiences Guilt when they do not act or behave like the rest of the group or clique. You will often experience ridicule or criticism because they want to you to behave or act in a particular way. So they will try to gain power over you by trying to make you feel guilty. Guilt is used by everyone. However, when you have confidence and a strong self-esteem, this form of behavior has no power over you because you come from your heart as you are courageous. With courage you know that you are in charge of your life.
When you do not have courage, lack confidence, and self-esteem, you come from a place of manipulation. You engage in power struggles to get a desired behavior from another person. Many people use silence coupled with withdrawal of affection/love to dominate their friends, family and children. This kind of behavior just is not loving. You are further endorsing that you are not enough, or that you are not acceptable for other people because you have to engage in power struggles to get what you desire.
If you engage in this kind of manipulative guilt breeding behavior, it is important that you surrender this combative tactic. We all want to experience freedom without guilt but to experience freedom we have to let others experience the freedom we want for ourselves.
Learning to detach ourselves from reactions and our emotions is necessary when the negative takes a hold of you. When we pull ourselves out of center where we lose all sense of who we are because we have become upset, bitter and all manner of things that separate us from others. You have to learn to love yourself with kindness not from a place of judgment; judgment separates you from others and yourselves. It sets you up to fail so you cannot be free. When you judge people for the things they do, what they have, do not have or how they act, you are also setting yourself up in the judgment that you have woven for another. When you set up this kind of web, you have now told yourself that you can only accept yourself under certain circumstances and conditions. If attaining these conditions and circumstance becomes difficult, you have now put yourself in a place where you have no freedom. You have now placed a very harsh way of being on yourself, filled with self-criticism, where you are not good enough. When you give up and love yourself unconditionally, you will experience yourself with naturally experiencing confidence and self-esteem. Confidence and Self-Esteem will naturally attract positivity to you.
A good portion of women are too busy making themselves busy so they don’t have a minute to look at the true picture of their life. They are too busy to call a friend or too busy to return a call. They are too busy to be the yes that they said they’d be. What is all this busy-ness? We have a ton of technology available to us at the drop of a dime. Literally a drop of a dime and yet we are way too busy. Now the with cellphones less than half a yard away from your elbow inside your bag or pocket it remains impossible to return a simple call, to a client, a potential suitor, a doctor anybody.
Well, you don’t understand, I am really busy. How busy can you be? Are you running a small country? What is it that you are doing in your life that has you so busy that nothing has changed in the last 3 years? I have a running conversation with clients that say to me that they are too busy to do something that they say is important to them. Important things like their friends, their health and wellbeing. They want to date, fix their finances or change something in their life. Well, what I say is you are not running a city or a small country. For instance look at Rudy Guilliani, the mayor of New York City 1994-2001. Here was a man that was busy, running NYC, visiting other states and countries and still he still found time to have a wife and then cheat on her. Now that’s busy. If you not running a small city, visiting other countries having a marriage and an extra marital affair, you’re not that busy. Come on!
What’s really going on is that you do not have a system to manage yourself, and you do not have a relationship with your word. How do I know this? Well, I know this because when the conversation comes up about you being unavailable, not following up on your promises, and not being your word, then you get triggered. You shut down become resigned. Some of you might even become angry. This is not a judgment; it is something that I have experienced.
If all the things that you say you would love to have or experience are really that important to you, then it is important that you carve out time for yourself. There is more than enough time in the day to handle what it is that you say that you desire. The first question to ask yourself is: Am I happy? What’s happiness got to do with time? What has happiness go to do with anything? Well, I have come to understand that people that are happy with themselves desire to remain happy. They share. They are often times enjoying the work that they have chosen for themselves. They are busy, but they are organized. It is this kind of happiness that is important to them. They do not want anything to interfere with their happiness. So they make the time to do the things that is important to them and schedule time to handle all the other things. They are happy and they want to share it with friends so they create time to talk with friends. They are not interested in getting sick so they will create time to go to the doctor and keep a handle on their wellbeing. They have created structure to keep on doing the thing that they enjoy doing.
Happiness is something that one can do for oneself. However, it is something that is better shared with another. When you are happy in your life you become aware of whom you are. So if you desire a deep relationship with another person, it’s important that you become aware of yourself.
The comments above are not here to make you feel wrong or written as a judgment. I have written them as a way to have you look inside and understand that sometimes you are not aware of what you’re doing or how it impacts your life and the lives of the people you say are important to you. It is important to see them so that you can realize how important it is to learn to concentrate and focus your mind where you choose. You can elevate your thinking and your choices to a higher ideal rather than just merely having a view or no view at all and remain stuck thinking that your business is real and you have no time. Then when people say that you are not managing your time or you wasted their time being busy, you don’t find yourself feeling attacked or defending yourself.
It is as though you are too afraid to take a minute to just sit down and smell the roses. Many women have discovered the age old art of making themselves wrong so they have something to distract them from just taking a minute to sit down and reflect. Happiness appears as this elusive thing they are searching for. Some are looking for it in the arms of the next lover before completing with the last one. Some are looking for it at the end of the credit card in the next pair of designer shoes. This is not a judgment.
What I do know is that a lot of woman are really craving, desiring and would like to have the kind of happiness that just makes you heart sing. The kind of happiness that you feel when you are taking time out to do something that you really enjoy doing, that ignites your passion and get your juices flowing. No ladies, not that kind. At least not at this moment; I mean the kind of passion that I experience when I am riding my bike and the wind is whipping around my helmet and I see life’s pleasures like a flower that had just broken through the earth.
Security exists internally. Most people look for security as an external experience. They think it is either something or someone in the world that can give security to them and that makes them feel secure. No one or nothing can make you feel secure. Security is something that you give to yourself first. Like most things, if you cannot give it to yourself then no one can give it to you. Nothing or no one can give you the security you are looking for, so if you are seeking it in a boyfriend, girlfriend, marriage, money, none of these things can make you feel secure until you feel internally secure.
Security, acknowledgement, and praise are all individual personal feelings. One of the only ways you can ever feel secure is by giving security to yourself. The love that you need, a sense of belonging, a feeling of safety in your world, being able to self-validate, acknowledging yourself and recognizing your own accomplishments are the gifts that you give yourself. Ultimately only you can fill your needs.
Security is a sense of having something in your life that calls you, that is bigger than you are it pulls you, your attracted to it. When you are secure in your life the petty upsets are small in comparison to what you’re up to. When you are secure you have projects, you are growing and you are not looking outside of yourself for love. You don’t have unattainable rules in place to give you a sense of security. You are busy loving you and loving another in that order. You are not looking for the person to love you. You’re not looking for the person to call you to check in, or you are not waiting to hear the words I love you. You are being I love you- it becomes your natural way of being and your experience of love lives freely. That kind of love is not a demand that is practiced in a specific way of so many calls a week, so many hugs, keeping score of how many times the person says I love you. The bickering about who always says what first. That kind of love is not secure and has no space for freedom in it and the joy is sucked out of the love in a way that causes insecurity and you can become shut down or anxiety driven.
When you are secure you have an experience of growth and expansion in your life. Your view of the world is a bigger place and the feel of the universe is abundant you feel known. When you feel secure you are open, you share yourself abundantly, you are willing to take risks and you experience an opportunity to be who you really are.
Many people are on a mission to keep their world safe by not speaking up for themselves, or no speaking at all. Feeling like they cannot trust anyone and always living in a space of fear. Consequently, when you live in a space of fear your world gets smaller and you experience even more insecurity. However, when you face your fears your world expands and you feel stronger and secure in other areas of your life and you discover that you true feeling of security exists when you can meet your own needs without being a demand for security from others. Give yourself a life filled with happiness where security is your own responsibility and what comes from others is a blessing that is received with gratitude.
