I cannot express how the people of Boston must be feeling. All I can remember is the day 9/11 happened, I couldn’t make sense of what happened. I couldn’t find a place in my mind to make sense of what was happening. Today, years later, it’s still not clear to me that this kind of atrocity is still happening and will continue to happen. And for what? Difference of a opinion, religious belief, human separations.
Boston Harbor by Prayitno
When this kind of thing occurs, it feels as it is not real. I find it incomprehensible that human lives are ended and blood is being spilled for no reason that I can understand.
The day of 9/11, the only place that I could look was fiction, as it was hard for me to believe that this was really happening. I was looking for Will Smith to come and save us. Independence Day style. That was fiction and that is where my mind went. Today, some years later, I cannot make sense of all this madness that is happening in our cities. All can say is that Boston, you are in our hearts and mind. You are not alone.
Women with strong healthy sexual boundaries know their likes and dislikes so their communication is clear, attractive and sexy. Sex is interplay between consenting individuals. There are things that you’ll like and the other person might not, so it’s necessary to communicate with the person you intend on having sex with clearly.
A woman who is confident with her sexuality expresses it in and out of the bedroom, with clear verbal and non verbal communication. She knows that her sexual needs, and pleasure are her responsibility 100% and that her partner is 100% responsible for their needs. As a result, if something shows up in the act of sex that does not appeal to her, she would not hesitate to speak her truth and voice her opinion in a manner that is respectful and non judgmental of herself and partner.
A sexually responsible woman is honest with herself about her needs and desires. She has given herself full permission to live truthfully in all areas of her life that are important. She shares her boundaries clearly and concisely as she knows her pleasure depends upon it.
So like a sexually responsible woman, with anything in life you desire, it is important that your give yourself permission to have it in order to live your life confidently and freely.
What are your boundaries and have you shared them completely?
It’s ability to know what you desire. Some people have little or no real boundaries, but they know what repulses them.
A boundary based on repulsions is very clear and focused on what you will not do. It is important to be clear with your boundaries. They should be your own boundaries and not be boundaries where you are dragged along for a ride only your partner will enjoy.
If you follow or are dragged along by other people’s sexual boundaries you will never feel comfortable. You will always end up feeling resentful, and this kind of tension is never good for your well being. So if you plan to expand or push your sexual boundaries make sure they are based on your own healthy choices.
Think for a moment, how would you share or express yourself for your pleasure with the following:
Touch: how you’d like to be touched, when to be touched
Pressure: soft, hard
Pace: fast, slow
Lights: on or off
Rough or not
Sexually explicit language
Introduction of Sex Toys
Kissing and telling
Group sex
Pornography
Condoms
Sharing your sexual History
What would your life look like if you gave yourself permission to life with confidence and a strong self esteem in all areas of your life?
What would your life look like if you were living your life with a strong self esteem and without second guessing yourself?
As a Confidence Coach, I believe setting personal boundaries is a way of protecting and taking care of yourself, your heart and not allowing this get twisted by people comments, thoughts or feelings about you. It is important to be able to tell people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to you and to be able to know that you have the right and duty to protect and defend yourself. It is your responsibility to be clear on how you want others to treat you.
I coach my clients to you learn how to state your feelings verbally and let people know how they feel in a way that communicates clearly. By stating your feelings verbally you affirm your right to your feelings and you know that you are not your feelings you have feelings and they can change from situation to situation, moment to moment. By affirming your feelings it allows you to take responsibility for yourself and your life. Owning yourself, your reality and your voice is empowering. The result of self-ownership, allows other people to hear and understand you clearly.
Some people might say that setting and having boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. So they are set boundaries when in fact they are attempting to manipulate people and situations. The difference between setting boundaries and manipulation is that boundaries are healthy,give people choices and allows you the freedom to let go of the outcome. Whereby, manipulation is not a clear form of communication and it exploits people into doing what you want them to do, by using methods that cause confusion. This confusion has you
create outcomes that only the manipulator is clear about.It is unhealthy to have relationships with people who have no boundaries, who cannot communicate directly, honestly and freely. Learning how to set boundaries is important and necessary for you to be a friend to yourself and others. It is your responsibility to take care and to protect yourself. It is important to love, honor and respect yourself. You cannot truly love yourself if you do not take responsibility. Loving yourself allows you the opportunity and freedom to be a creator in your life. How well do you set boundaries?
Though some of these following requests might appear to be self-centered and over indulged, they are what many women would like from a partner. However, if you look at the request for what they are really saying, you can hear that they want love and attention. These women like all women want to be loved and adored. They require what sounds like simple things. They want to be appreciated for the woman and feminine beings that that they are. Here are some of the requests I have heard form women over the years:
Spend time with me
Allow me to share my feelings
Share your pleasure with me
Be open with your feelings
Feel good about us or leave
Knows where to stand as a man
Have confidence
Be romantic
Offer me protection
Takes pride in our relationship
Respect me
Be thoughtful
Give me the gift of time…
Listen
Tell me I am beautiful and appreciated
Asking my opinion regarding a life decision that you are thinking about making…
Kiss me on my forehead after serving him dinner
Kiss me on my forehead, nose, cheeks, chin, left boobie and right boobie 5:30 in the morning when he leaves for work
Text me he made it to work and that he can’t wait to get back home.
Give me reasons to giggle
Compliment me in detail
Randomly express how he appreciates me in his life
Kiss tears away when they fall
Put a warm rag on my tummy during that time, hand me 2 Aleve, and some water, make me some tea, and hold me to distract from the pain and discomfort until I fall asleep
Give me words of encouragement
Be loyal
Acknowledgment my accomplishments
Give me emotional support coupled with physical touch (such as a hug, human touch doesn’t mean sexual)
Hold me tighter when the alarm goes off
Speak about our future together in detail
Motivate me, it shows your belief in who I am and what I do
Simple things mean a lot to every girl. Small talks, weird topics, smiles, a thank you, and a lot more. But nothing beats the respect, thoughtfulness, time and sincerity of what a man can give to his woman. 🙂 It’s the simple things, not so much the grandeur gestures.
I was reading an article called “Flip the Script” in the current Sex and Love Sextember section of Essence magazine as I prepared for my Date Like You Mean It Event. Everything that I read seemed very weighty about dating or human interaction.
This article was about men and condoms. The argument was that men try to get out of using condoms. Their mission was to prepare women with comebacks on how to protect themselves and still keep the mood. They gave instructions about what to do when he was trying to run game. For me the article had its usual advertising opportunity and consumer awareness which is not a bad thing.
Well, to flip the script again, this time the script is to prepare men with comebacks. It is been said and thought by people that it is always the man that does not want to use a condom. However, I know that is not always the situation. More often than recognized or confessed it’s the woman. Again more often than not, it is older women, not girls in their 20’s. But using a condom helps to prevent the spread of STSs.
If you are being responsible around your sexual health, you never have to plan your reasons to use a condom. What’s the worst that could happen if the person, man or woman, does not want to use a condom? They leave upset, but you can never compromise your values or choice and feel good with yourself. The article gave individual scenarios for condom endorsements, here are some straight forward to the point examples.
Man/Woman/Your Response
I can’t feel anything. – Too bad my rule is if you cannot use a condom. You won’t be feeling anything with me.
I don’t have a condom. Let’s just keep going. – No condom, no sex we can go get some or wait.
Let me just put the tip, I won’t go any further. – My doctor calls it rim play. Condom please!
Don’t you trust me? – I trust that I will use a condom with or without you.
I can never find a condom that fits. – Aw! How unfortunate, but they come in all different sizes.
I don’t have a condom. – Don’t worry I carry my own. I am a person in control of my sex life.
After speaking with a few male friends of mine, they told me that they have been in the situation where women did not want to use a condom. One man said that he was with a woman who tried to guilt him into not using a condom. She told him, in an explicit way, that it feels better. It was very uncomfortable as he wanted to have sex, but insisted that he would wear a condom.
They said that a woman that did not wear a condom was a deal breaker and made them feel uncomfortable. It is a myth that all men want to have sex without a condom. I read a tweet on Monday by a fellow relationship coach who said carrying a condom showed that you were prepared to practice safe sex, but it also showed that you had no discipline. I feel that practicing safe sex is very disciplined. If you do not have a condom, than you don’t and won’t have sex.
*Its important to have your own condom as some people do not know how to store them and or think about the expiration dates. Condoms should be stored in a cool dry place, away from both excess heat and extremely low temperatures. Storing condoms in the pocket, valet or car compartment may damage them.
Dating? What is it? Why is it so confusing? Dating is a form of courtship that focuses mostly on social activities between two people for the sole reason of accessing whether they are suitable for each other as an intimate partner or potential mate. Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which emerged in the last few centuries.
During the Middle Ages in Europe, weddings were seen as business arrangements between families. While romance was something that happened before and outside of marriage, discreetly in covert meetings. Can you imagine being in a loveless marriage that was a business transaction? The only way that people were able to pursue love and intimacy was by having affairs. A 12th-century book, The Art of Courtly Love, advised that “True love can have no place between husband and wife”. Can you imagine? I think that we are still at that place given the number of divorces we are experiencing in this time.
Dating is two people together in public, exploring if they should become romantically involved. Each person is in chorus evaluating the other as a possible future partner, and at the same time is being evaluated. Dating is stressful. Some of what happens on a date is guided by a mutual understanding of societies rules. In my opinion, dating becomes scary because of a set of mythological rules from our reptilian brains and how its effect on our emotions. Dating is not based on logic. It turns smart successful people into confused bumbling idiots.
What is dating anyway? Why does it catch us off guard? Why do we have all of these negative conversations surrounding dating, most of which we make up in our heads? What is it that has so many people confused, frightened and upset? I’ll tell you what I think. It’s because we are all trying very hard to avoid the experience of being vulnerable. We do not want to be responsible for what we really want in relationship and we have a fear of rejection.
We believe that being vulnerable is a weakness, when being vulnerable is actually one of our strengths. Being vulnerable allows us to be truthful with ourselves and our feelings. Vulnerability does not operate on the side of logic.
My personal experience with being vulnerable was when I was trying avoid my feelings. I was feeling anxious, worried and outside of myself. I do not like these feelings. So, I do not dwell in them for a long time. The moment I shared my vulnerability and what I was afraid of, I felt like I rebalanced myself. I experienced a sense of relief. It gave me power and the self-awareness of how I was shutting myself down and not being open to my feelings. I found out I was resisting my emotions by constantly complaining to anyone who would listen. I discovered that I was creating the same problems in every relationship that I encountered. I didn’t express my feelings and wasn’t vulnerable, then I became distant or resentful.
When you are considering dating, it is important to know what it is that you want to create for yourself. What is the intention of dating? Be honest and clear with yourself. Take nothing personally. Accept that your date is having their own variation of what it is you are going through. After you gain clarity about your needs, wants, and expectations, be courageous enough to share them, knowing that not every person who wants to date might be on the same page as you.
Last night I went out for a drink. I was feeling pretty sexy and strutted down the street with my 5 inch heels and my very cute purple jeweled dress with the appropriate plunging neckline. I make my way to the bar. When I go out alone, I usually sit at the bar because the bar is where you have the best chance of meeting people to talk to. I love talking to people. You might say I will only meet men at the bar, but I meet a lot of people.
Anyway, I’m sitting at the bar and here comes this attractive men – tall, dark and well-spoken etc. He asks if he could talk with me. Sure! He starts talking about his life and how cute I am, which is always fabulous. He tells me he finds me sexy. Great! I put in a ten minute effort to get dressed, plus the beautiful Yves Saint Laurent lipstick that I spend $40 dollars on that day with my Mascara that I purchased for $25.00. I had a $100 face on. Lol. What the hey, I was looking good, feeling good and yes smelling good.
He pats my hair then tells me he’s been dying to do that. What the hey; I say. Men are always wanting to touch my hair. I guess it the gives them the caveman experience they like re-enacting. Anyway, he goes on to tell me that he is married; red flag. 30 years, he loves his wife. I say great.
Rule number one I don’t date married men. So he tells me is wife is on long island tonight with their daughter. I say great. He tells me he used to be a NBA player back in the 70s I say great. He tells me he owns restaurants and he’s got a comfortable life for himself, I say great. I’m listening.
Then he comes the sob story I have to take out my tiny violin. I love my wife but my wife and I don’t have sex. I saw that coming a mile off. I say Great. So I ask what is that has you not have with your wife? He rambles on about she has always let him have one night stand with the rule of not falling in love. So he has lived his whole married life with this conversation and level of freedom. So when did you and your wife stop having sex? One year ago. She became angry. She cut him off. How do you feel about this? I don’t know. Are you sad about it? He describes his wife as an elephant. What do you mean by that? He says that she has a large memory. She never forgets the past. I ask him if he loves his wife. He says absolutely. She is the mother of his children. He is not leaving her. He has another woman that he has been seeing her for years. So why are you trolling for another woman. Least of all me? He was very straight forward. He told me he would like to get naked with me. After he told me he had a full hip replacement because of his life playing sports. Hey. Anyway, I asked him a few more questions, do you want to have sex with your wife? He starts joking about how he want to get naked with me. I was grossed out but smiling and thinking of a large chunk of plastic.
I asked him what had him marry his wife and stay so long. She allowed him to do what he wanted, she was sexy etc. They went to college together, she did his papers. She was available for whatever he wanted. She traded for the good life. He said he hurt her emotionally not physically. He was not rough with her. She is a great woman. He loves her.
His wife was hurt, she had given him space to be. However, now she was upset about her choices. She shut down and in-turn shut him down. He was sad, upset and remorseful. His commitment for his wife is amazing; his love for her is great. He’s dealing with his behavior. He’s afraid of losing her and he is about to lose her if he does not taken fast action. Then I notice his eyes well up with tears, his lips going in and out quivering. He’s crying now. Noreen, you made a grown man cry. I asked him if he was crying and he said yes. I acknowledged his tears and his commitment to his wife. It was clear to me. He cried some more.
I know that he did not get dressed this evening to go out and pick up a woman that would go toe to toe with him about his life and make him cry. Dude no sex happening over here? He was moved and talked some more still crying. He thanked me and said I will talk to my wife. I gave him my number and he said he’d like to talk with me again. He’s been trying to work this out for ages.
Can you imagine? What I do know is this man loved his wife. Having sex with strange woman just kept his self-loathing and encouraged his habit of not being responsible and honest with himself in first place. So that was my night. It was fun. I looked sexy. I had a philander cry and made a difference in his life.
Taking this self-boundaries quiz will help you understand yourself a little bit more. Get out a piece of paper and a pen, and number the paper 1-26. Right down your answer for the corresponding questions. Choose one of these answers for each question: always, usually, sometimes, rarely or never. Be honest with yourself and choose your first impulse. The point in life is to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Second guessing your answers can lower your self esteem. There is no right or wrong answer, only your truth.
1 -Do you carry emotional and physical baggage into your current relationships?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
2 -Have you been hurt and find yourself insecure thinking it will happen again?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
3 -Do you blame yourself for the mental, physical or emotional hurt you allowed to happen to you?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
4 -Do you believe that whoever says I love you first loses?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
5 -You tell a partner you love them often but they do not say it back. Does this make you feel rejected and stupid but you still love them anyway?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
6 -Do you look for someone to love you in your relationships instead of giving yourself the love that you have?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
7 -Do you feel that you are not heard, known and seen in all your relationships?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
8 -Do you avoid sharing yourself completely in all your relationships?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
9 -Do you think that people can know who you are solely by spending time with you?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
10 -Do you feel unable to express yourself fully in your sexual encounters?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
11 -Do you have sex mainly for the pleasure of another?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
12 -Do you think you when it comes to your sexual and orgasmic pleasure, are you unable to fully allow yourself to be present and enjoy?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
Image by Deep Shot Photography http://deepshot.carbonmade.com/
13 – Do you keep yourself from having time to grieve your upsets and break ups?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
14 – Do you have internal anger?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
15 – Do you not allow yourself the opportunity to get angry?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
16 – Do you say yes to your partner when you want to say no? Do you say no when you want to say yes?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
17 – Do you hide your truth in mind chatter?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
18 -Do you feel that you are not in control of your life?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
19 – Do you believe you lack the tools to make your life happen?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
20 – Do you lack trust in yourself to be faithful to your partner ?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
21 – Do you lack confidence to really let your partner know who you really are?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
22 – Do you lack confidence to state your opinions?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
23 – Do you save hurting people feelings by not telling your truth and then avoid them because you feel uncomfortable?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
24 -Do you have confidence and self esteem issues that no one knows about you?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
25 – Are you afraid to stand alone in the world without your job or job title?
Always Usually Sometimes Rarely Never
What do you think of your answers? Were you surprised? Are there some areas you want to change? Finding your voice and setting boundaries is important as it helps you to create yourself. Creating and using your voice is one of the most important ways to have and live the life you want. This is your life and you get to live it how you want. It takes practice to release negative habits, ideas and images of fear. The first step is always the hardest, but when you do it, it will be the most memorable step as the spell will be broken. Speaking to a therapist or life coach may help you overcome your fears of being heard and create confidence and self-respect. Fear nothing, you can attempt everything. But most of all speak up for yourself and find your voice and gain your personal power. Congratulations on taking this first step.
Women with strong healthy sexual boundaries know their likes and dislikes so their communication is clear, attractive and sexy. Sex is interplay between consenting individuals. There are things that you’ll like and the other person might not, so it’s necessary to communicate with the person you intend on having sex with clearly.
A woman who is confident with her sexuality expresses it in and out of the bedroom, with clear verbal and non verbal communication. She knows that her sexual needs, and pleasure are her responsibility 100% and that her partner is 100% responsible for their needs. As a result, if something shows up in the act of sex that does not appeal to her, she would not hesitate to speak her truth and voice her opinion in a manner that is respectful and non judgmental of herself and partner.
A sexually responsible woman is honest with herself about her needs and desires. She has given herself full permission to live truthfully in all areas of her life that are important. She shares her boundaries clearly and concisely as she knows her pleasure depends upon it.
So like a sexually responsible woman, with anything in life you desire, it is important that your give yourself permission to have it in order to live your life confidently and freely.
What are your boundaries and have you shared them completely?
It’s ability to know what you desire. Some people have little or no real boundaries, but they know what repulses them.
A boundary based on repulsions is very clear and focused on what you will not do. It is important to be clear with your boundaries. They should be your own boundaries and not be boundaries where you are dragged along for a ride only your partner will enjoy.
If you follow or are dragged along by other people’s sexual boundaries you will never feel comfortable. You will always end up feeling resentful, and this kind of tension is never good for your well being. So if you plan to expand or push your sexual boundaries make sure they are based on your own healthy choices.
Think for a moment, how would you share or express yourself for your pleasure with the following:
Touch: how you’d like to be touched, when to be touched
Pressure: soft, hard
Pace: fast, slow
Lights: on or off
Rough or not
Sexually explicit language
Introduction of Sex Toys
Kissing and telling
Group sex
Pornography
Condoms
Sharing your sexual History
What would your life look like if you gave yourself permission to life with confidence and a strong self esteem in all areas of your life?
What would your life look like if you were living your life with a strong self esteem and without second guessing yourself?
No one wants to experience the pain of your past when they begin dating you. Everyone wants to date from a blank slate, they want to get to know you on their own terms and dating your past partners is not desirable. Your prospective partner does not want to hear how your exes hurt you, how you can’t trust anyone now, or what happened to you in the past. So, clean up that mess and start dating from a new fresh blank state.
What are the things that you would share about yourself at market/dating? People grumble that they cannot find a date. Why can’t you find a date? There are 6 billion people on the planet. So why is it so difficult to find a date? Is it you or your beliefs? Is it your belief that you are not good enough for anyone or no one is good enough for you? Ask yourself these questions, as a person, what do you bring to the dating table?
What is special about you?
What do you have to offer in a relationship?
What are your prize winning qualities?
What are you non prize winning qualities?
What areas are you willing to work on?
How do you feel about yourself mentally, emotionally and physically?
How do you feel about sex?
Do you love yourself?
Do you love others?
Are you generous or stingy?
What mess do you need to clean up before you start dating?
Are you overly picky, are you trying to date people that are not attracted to you?
Are you even available?
Photot from the Thomas Lennon Photographic Collection, Powerhouse Museum
If you were to sell yourself at market what are the things that you would present on your ‘stall’? What are the things you would have under the table and not share openly? What are the things you are afraid to hear about yourself and for people to know about you? Maybe these are the things that you are going to have to rewrite in your life script.
I had a client that had a hair loss problem and wore weaves all the time. She was embarrassed about her hair loss and also ashamed of an unwanted pregnancy she had had sometime ago. She met a man that she enjoyed being with. He in turn enjoyed being with her. However, she was worried that he would not like her because of her severe hair loss due to weaves and alopecia. After our work together, she was able to come clean first with herself and then she courageously told him her situation. He heard her and replied “I don’t care about your hair. Women wear hair pieces all the time, I do not care about your unwanted pregnancies. I want you. “ After her confession, she was relieved by his love for her and she reflects on how her shame has been hovering over all of her past relationships, bringing them nothing but pain and sorrow. In the end, they are now happily married and expecting their own baby.
The main lesson to be learned is: If you are okay with yourself, the man/woman that likes/loves you will be okay with you.
When starting to date, take it easy on yourself. It is important that you come to terms with all your upsets, fears and concerns. You have to forgive yourself and make sure you have taken the time to heal from any past relationships. It’s important to have a heart to heart with yourself and make sure that you are ready to date. No one wants to date your past. What past pains are you bringing into your marketplace?
For the past couple of weeks, we talked about downward dating – dating someone who is not at the same emotional or financial level as you. Here are some tips on how to avoid downward dating:
Remember downward dating unlike Downward Facing Dog Does not tone and strengthen your back. It can however give you great sex for 60 seconds and fabulous eye /arm candy. But, if you’re serious about having a relationship stay away at all costs.
Date people that have the same or similar kinds of interests.
Value yourself so that people will value you and if they don’t, you can walk away intact.
Give yourself permission to do what you desire.
Date people that have interests that interest or might interest you.
Take time to get to know people you date, but first take time to know yourself.
Date people that have similar values by finding out and asking those questions that freak you out.
Date people who value you making plans and can be honest about what they can and cannot do.
Date people that are flexible, will try new things and speak up about them.
Date people who can create and have with clear agreement with you.
Date people who will remember your successes in the relationship not your failures.
Breakdowns are opening for breakthroughs. Life without breakdowns is no life at all.
Date people and do your best and realize that dating is a process which can have you realize your humanness.
Date by expecting the best to happen and know that your will experiences triggers from you past.
Date with an open heart or else don’t date – In fact do your life with an open heart.
Improve the quality of yourself by being open to being fearless and free.
Ask yourself serious heartfelt questions, the one that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Have a look at your attitude and level of gratitude.
What do you like or dislike about your dating habits? Take a look. Don’t judge just investigate.
Get rid of your physical typing,the physical typing was created in your past by a very young you.
Stay in the present moment leave you past relationships in the past.
Live in the now date in the now.
Everyone, as we all know, is different and not everyone is compatible. So, it is important to realize if you cannot accept a person for all they are and all they are not, then you need to leave them alone. Maybe your date has not read a book in a number of years. Maybe they only eat what they was raised on and everything else is off limits. Or you’re a traveler and they’re a couch traveler. Your priorities are so completely different. You find yourself trying to plan things with them and they seem really keen, but when it comes time to commit to the plans, they disappear off the planet and your left wondering is this the same person.
